My Daughters Will Never Date...

...and it's not because they won't be cool or cute, which they will be(?)...


I am with Jerry on this. Back in my parents' day, there were more great ones to choose from. Since the pool has steadily shrunk in size since the 70s, I can only deduce that my daughters will have to live celibate, single lives.

Case #1: The Dating Box Guy.We have a dating box in my ward where sisters put their names in and the guys pull them out and take them on a date. We do it to get to know each other better and to date more. I participate because I have a great time (occasionally) and because I am supposed to in order to set an example for the sisters. There is a rule that if you pull the same sister's name twice, you put it back. That way, more people are getting to know others, and if you want a second date, ASK THEM! This guy pulled my name a first time. Awkward telephone conversation, awkward date, nice guy - not for me. He took me to a Masons temple because he sits in on their meetings sometimes. Okay, whatever. We hardly spoke because he is the quietest guy I have ever met and his jeep didn't have air conditioning, so we enjoyed windows-down-freeway-deafening air. This guy pulled my name a second time. He told me about it and I laughed and was so relieved we have the rules in place that prohibit such awkwardness. Then, a couple weeks ago, he pulled it a third time. This time he decided he could just throw the rulebook out the Jeep window and ask me out again. The sisters have a rule that we have to say yes no matter who it is. Cool. Thanks. This time, he took me to an Indie Rock concert - not my thing - but it worked out great because it was deafening and we didn't need to talk. He is nice but just not for me. He also has posted fb statuses saying I was in his dreams. Okay! AWKWARD.

Case #2: The Other Dating Box Guy.
This one I even had a crush on at first - until I noticed that all those times I thought he was acting like he didn't get my jokes - he really didn't get them. He wasn't laughing with me. I was laughing at him. Unknowingly. He has no sarcasm. That's really him. We were on a group date (not with each other but were both in the group) and my date and I were laughing at a bottle of Ranch dressing because we were eating it, it wasn't ours, it was gross, and we noticed it expired two years ago - but we had to be polite to the person sitting there who lent it to us. The boy wanted to join our laughter but had no idea about the expiration date. He grabbed the bottle and said, "Hahaha!! Ranch." When he did pull my name from the box, he told me: "It might be a couple weeks because there's another girl I want to ask out first." I yelled at him to never tell a girl that. Yelled. Then he asked if we could get together again and watch his favorite movie, Fireproof. Since he asked me in front of people at the ward activity, I agreed. He laughed at the scene where the neighbor was grilling. For like ten minutes. It wasn't funny. He told his mom on the phone "I'm at Lindsey's house." Um she doesn't know me... but you didn't say, " a girl in my ward..." or "My friend Lindsey"... okay. Then, he introduced me to his entire family and his mom was really happy to meet me. AWKWARD.

Case #3: The Bambi-eyed Guy.

I was finally attracted to someone and interested in them after a long involuntary sabbatical (just like Jerry said...). He came to new member meeting and stared at me for a good chunk of time. When he introduced himself, he mentioned that he was driving recently on the Autobahn. Well naturally I gasped and interrupted him. "Wait, in Germany? What were you doing there?" "Oh I work there a lot." "oh, will you marry me?" - those last words were only heard by my thoughts. We checked his new member sheet and he is a director of marketing (cha-ching) for a local company that is mostly based in Germany. Hello. The next week, he sang at the piano with me for a bit and others joined in after he did. Great voice. Hello. Everything was working out perfectly. And then - I decided to facebook stalk him (come on, we all do it). Apparently he is a writer as well and has a degree in English from BYU-Idaho. He writes for an online satire site, so I checked out his articles. He posted links to them on his facebook so I'm sure lots of people have read them. First article: why he loves women's chestal areas. Photos. Cropped photos for the public. He did the cropping. Said the word "boobs" about 40 times. Talked about how he prefers them placed. Wow. Winner! Ding Ding Ding! I found him! The other two articles were about US politics and obesity. Both included nude images and lots of sexual references. Can I bring him home, ma?
P.S. I should have known he was a skeeze when I noticed that he hits ALL THREE of my "do not date" list topics. 1. Canadians. 2. Crazy Libertarians. 3. Hockey Players. I have had awful experiences with those three genres and hold fast to my rules.
I know that I am one to talk, and that beggars can't be choosers.... but um... look at my selection. I have several gorgeous, awesome galpals who don't date either. Seriously, my daughters don't have a shot. It's getting worse every day.

Those of you who are married, CONGRATULATIONS! You are part of that 4-6%. I applaud you and envy you.

I promise I'm not bitter or a man-hater. I just worry for the future. I've seen the past and present. Hello. I also know that if a guy comes along who treats me like the princess I act like 24/7 (a fairly low-maintenance princess) and he happens to be Canadian (highly unlikely), I will throw the rulebook out the Jeep window. If I want to get married, I cannot be TOO picky. I can, however, wait to marry someone who I actually click with and who doesn't write pornography articles on the side. I also know that the guy WILL come along. To all my single ladies, hang in there. Our turns will come, and just make sure you keep a shotgun handy for when your daughters start to date. Yikes.