Dear Lactaid,

It has been so nice knowing you for 1.5 years. You helped me get through some tough times. You helped my food break down before my sick gallbladder had to work at it. You cost me a lot of money, but you were worth it. The times we shared... the treats we ate... those were good times.

I am sorry to inform you that based on some personal scientific trial food testing since losing my sick gallbladder, I have decided to go in a different direction. This is no reflection on your performance, though the past couple months you were cursed for not working when I'd wake up at 3am in pain about once a week.

When the doctor informed me these attacks were far more likely to be gallbladder-related, I knew some testing would need to occur. It turns out I do just fine without you now. It is just time for a reduction-in-force to cut costs.

I will never forget you, or the time I met you (see here).

Gelato and I have a date next week in Venice, so I hope you find another partner soon and wish you all the best in life.

Love, Lindsey "Lactose tolerant from age 26" Andersen

Lessons Learned

1. ERs are not as glamorous or attractive as they appear on TV.
2. If you decide to go to Orem Community Hospital so you won't have to wait to get in the ER, be aware, you WILL need to wait for everything else because you'll have to schedule it at OTHER hospitals and will be in pain for at least one week until you can be scheduled for surgery AFTER meeting with the surgeon (and you can't just schedule the surgery when you KNOW you need it. He has to).
3. Don't be obese (duh)
4. If you're obese, don't go on HCG (duh)
5. Gallstones are created when you have rapid weight loss and a large portion of people getting their gallbladder removed have been on HCG.
6. Intense pain on the right side of your abdomen and vomiting from said pain in the middle of the night probably means a gallbladder attack.
7. Ultrasounds detect more than babies.
8. Morphine is for Sesame Street. Bring on the Demerol.
9. When the radioactive nuclear isotope which was shot through my veins completely bypassed my gallbladder, they should have wheeled me into surgery. That probably would have happened if I went to UVRMC instead of American Fork hospital the third day.
10. Missing work for two weeks --even while in pain-- is better than going to work sometimes.
11. Lactose Intolerance symptoms can be very similar to gallbladder attack symptoms, but you are far more likely to have a gallbladder attack than be lactose intolerant.
12. Surgical clinics can be a fraction of the cost of the hospital surgeries.
13. BYU does not let you use the sick time you will acquire at your year mark. They only let you use exactly what you have accrued so far.
14. Canceling a trip to Pullman that you already paid for is a terrible, awful feeling.
15. When you tell the anesthesiologist that you are nervous for surgery and can't slow down your pulse, and he says "I'm going to make that all go away," he means it.
16. I heart Demerol. Yes, I know how bad that sounds.
17. Walking while on IV-flowing narcotics and with a stitched up belly is quite a scary task.
18. During laparoscopic gallbladder removal, they inflate your abdomen like a balloon with CO2. You'll feel it all the way into your shoulders for a few days. They take pictures of your open gallbladder and stones and show you if you want. I have the photo, in case anyone wants to test their gag reflex. I'll email it!
19. While coming out of anesthesia, I may say things that I don't remember, but which are true. "Lindsey, did you just have a baby?" "No." "Do you want a baby?" "Yes."
20. Recovery may only be a few days for the new laparoscopic surgical procedure, but that doesn't mean you feel good enough to go back to work for another week.

Last and most important of all:
21. I have the most amazing family and friends ever. My parents drove down the day I went to the ER. My mom stayed through the surgery. She did my laundry, she cooked, she cleaned, she took me to the movies. Over Mother's Day weekend. My dad and uncle gave me a Priesthood Blessing. Andrea visited with flowers, and I even forgot her bday was the next day. Alison visited with celeb-trash magazines and a pinwheel from her daughter. Jordan visited with Shirley's Bakery sweet rolls. My sister helped out and stayed home from work twice to be there for me. Heather Jolley contacted me daily to see how I was. My three brothers all expressed concern and called or talked to mom at some point about me. The Capstone student secretary Elisa took care of EVERYTHING while I was gone, and everyone else pitched in too. My coworkers had flowers delivered to my house (thanks Marianne for setting that all up). My cousins wrote me in concern. I am so thankful for all of you and touched by your concern and help and selfless acts. If I am forgetting anyone, blame it on the every-four-hours-Percocet-pills. I am sure grateful to you as well.

The timing was perfect with work and our upcoming Europe trip. I was able to see a surgeon and get my gallbladder removed within one week (yes, it probably would have all happened within one day if I had just gone to the UVRMC ER instead of Orem - HA). I have insurance that will help immensely with the costs. I have a full-time job.
My mom is the best ever and I hope she enjoyed her Mother's Day because she deserves all good things.

I. Am. Grateful.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention one more lesson learned. If you are getting a blood work lab order done, and your surgeon faxes it to Orem Community Hospital, expect them to lose it. Expect to spend quite a bit of time on the phone with the Saturday answering service for your surgeon's office - and don't expect Orem Community to be open unless you go to the ER. Even at 3:30pm. And trust me and other frustrated patients - they WILL lose your lab order. Go ahead and get an extra copy if you can. Still grateful!