A Hint of Posts to Come...

So, I went to Europe. I have a lot to blog about it, but do not have the pictures yet. The two on here were from my phone and are about as good as I have. As soon as I get the real ones, I will post about Romania, England, Christmas, etc.

Today, however, the newly ENGAGED HBeck and I made some top ten lists of our trip to Europe. I thought I'd share them so you can at least get some excitement for what's coming.

Top Ten Grossest Moments
10. Tight pants with a button-down fly that extended into the thigh region - on a man.
9. Tomato Slushee served on AirFrance.
8. Mincemeat Pie and all British food.
7. Lack of Paper Towels in the public restroom. Here, use this community towel. Yumm!
6. A man and woman frenching in front of my face as we were packed on the Tube in London. Even his approach was tongue-out.
5. Being hit on by married men.
4. Running over the head of a decapitated dog.
3. Being kissed on the cheek by a creep who wouldn't let go of my hand in Picadilly Circus... and him calling me "Lovely Lindsey"...
2. I will censor this, but it had to do with what we assumed Christmas Pudding and Jugs of Cream were.
1. The TV in the hotel. That is all I will say.

Top Ten Funniest Quotes
10. "I don't see row BB anywhere" - while at Les Miserables... "Lindsey??" - Heather, pointing to the three chairs on the side of the pit, up against the stage... labeled BB.
9. "Put some pants on!!!!" - when the outlet adapter popped and smoked and we were afraid sprinklers would go off and the staff would burst into our room... and the running around that ensued, plus putting the smoking adapter out the window, stubbing my toe and falling over my suitcase in the dark, and Heather jumping to the window - all in about 2.3 seconds.
8. "AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH!" - what was screamed when the TV was on.
7. "We are trying to get a hot porno film to come to the set soon. It's called 'On Top'." - Elena, from the studios we worked with.
6. "Are you still asleep? It's 1:30!" - my dad calling us when we had not realized how late we slept on one of our few London days.
5. "You want chickin in your other room?" - The heavily-accented front desk attendant. "Chicken?" - me.
4. "It's about a five-minute walk from here." or "It's about a 20-minute walk" Not once, when we heard those words, was our walk under 40 minutes or... three hours.
3. "Are threes good?" - Heather, to a little private school uniformed boy next to her on the tube, while reviewing his report card full of "3" marks.
2. "That's why I'm marrying Dan." - me. "Our driver?" - TC, talking about our middle-old-aged driver who looked like Boris the Butcher and smoked like a chimney. When we looked over at Dan, he looked up as if he heard nothing and it was pretty awkward the rest of the trip.
1. "I just have one request..." - Heather, while we were crowded in the elevator at the Starlight Suites with three married men... "...no kissing..." (looks of disgust) "...between the men." *To clarify, she did not mean that it was ok for other kissing to occur either. We each had our fair share of awkward.

Happiness, Handbags, H1N1, Hearing, Hospital, Halloween, and Houndstooth

Obviously my journal upkeep failures carried over into my older age. I have a LOT to blog about and just haven't wanted to start!

H:appiness
1. Boston/NYC - I made my annual trip to Boston in September. This time, though, I was lucky enough to have Carli and Denise with me! Denise wanted to visit Martha, our old Relief Society President, so when I told her that I go there at least each fall, she wanted to come along. The day we booked our tickets, Carli requested we go on a trip. I mentioned I had just purchased tix to Boston for 200 bucks and a few minutes later, she said, "Booked!" Good times. She then told me that she gets hotel deals in Times Square and that we should stay there one night. My answer? OF COURSE!!! I♥NY

I got to spend time with my awesome brother and his incredible family, walk the kids to school, help Ethan with his piano practicing, attend the temple, go to a RedSox game, become a human GPS the many times Carli and I got lost, use Ryan's GPS when he got back from DC, use his car the entire time, kill 10 spiders that showed up on the windshield in front of me throughout the week in said car (or make Carli kill them as I was going 80 on the freeway), walk the Freedom Trail, see the USS Constitution, walk around Salem during Halloween season, tour the Mayflower II, visit Plymouth Rock, hold a goat at Plimoth Plantation, eat lobster, play with my nieces and nephews, attend a tea party, and visit a farm. How blessed can one girl be?H:andbags
2. Friday-Saturday, Carli and I drove down to New York City for the night. We decided we didn't want to pay $60 to park in Manhattan and have to brave the traffic there. So, we decided to park at the closest train station and then take Public Transportation in. We drove into our selected site, the Bronx, and looked for the station based on our GPS. There was no station. In fact, if I had not sprained my ankle that morning running after the kids (of COURSE), and was not in a lot of pain, we would have left that place much, much sooner. I had to find a RiteAid to get an ace wrap and a bathroom (long drive) ASAP. Oh my soul. Never again. After being honked at, stared at, waited for at the front door by an employee, and realizing we were the only white people for miles... we pretty much said adieu to the Bronx for eternity. They didn't even have public restrooms and told me to try the laundromat down the street. I'll hold it, thanks.

The split-second decision to pay $60 for our lives and park in the city was the best one we ever made. I got to drive in Manhattan! I was a crazy NYC driver, cutting off cabs, nearly getting killed 49586949 times, and yelling at pedestrians. I loved it. First item of business after it took us an hour to go a mile? Check into the hotel. Second? Head out to Chinatown for handbags.

Bags purchased by Carli: 5
Bags purchased by Lindsey: 0
Stores entered: 3859606
Back rooms entered: 3859600
Hours spent: 5
Elevator rides with freaked-out Canadians: 1
Vans entered: 3
Close calls: 1 (chased out of the building when they thought the cops were there and running down flights of stairs with my sprained ankle and Asians yelling at me to hurry)

Saturday morning, we stood in line for the front-row tickets lottery for Wicked, but did not win. We stood in the cancellation line for a while and got FANTASTIC seats - 8th row or so! We had a couple hours. What should we do? Head to Chinatown.

Bags purchased by Carli: 0
Bags purchased by Lindsey: 2 (Fendi spy bag in mustard/brown and D&B zebra print)
Stores entered: 1
Back rooms entered: 1
Hours spent: 0.5
Elevator rides with freaked-out Canadians: 0
Vans entered: 0
Close calls: 0

A much, much, much better day. We then saw Wicked and got there literally 60 seconds before they shut the doors. Literally. My apologies to Carli, again, for the sprained ankle, my limping through times square in a mad rush with three handbags (my old one included) and a lettuce-wrapped Whopper Junior in my mouth and hand. There's a visual for ya. Our seats were freaking awesome and I kept saying, "I am just so happy right now." Great show.

Number of times I have seen Wicked in NYC: 2
Number of times I have cried from happiness while there: 2
Time it took us to get to the freeway from Manhattan: 3 minutes. Much easier than coming in.
Walking down 5th Avenue with H&M purchases in tow and browsing Saks: Priceless.
H:1N1
3. Unfortunately, that fun picture of us at the RedSox game while in Boston, turned into this:
This was especially fortunate, since I had a sore throat that day. We couldn't get off the bleachers because it was too crowded. So, we just had to stand there and get poured on. I knew I would get sick. We were flying home the next day on a plane with re-circulated air. Yay.....

I missed half a day of work that week from having such a nasty cold. I thought it was done for the month.

It wasn't.

Full-force a couple weeks later, another cold showed up. This one was BAD. Swine flu bad. I missed almost two weeks of work. Chills, cough, sore throat, achy body, sinus congestion, and fatigue. I missed out on the Halloween events I was soooooo looking forward to, including the ward corn maze (missed out last year because I didn't want to see Blanch) and Andrea's annual family party. I had to work one day, so the rules from HR were to wear a mask. Hence, the gorgeousness of this next photo:H:earing
4. Sunday night, my ear was so plugged up from my sinuses that it hurt. The worst pain I have ever had I think. I was sobbing from pain. Can't remember the last time I did that. I got a blessing from my dad and Uncle Tom and my mom took me to instacare. BOOOOOOOOOO on instacare. The "doctor" told me that the infection was from a q-tip, that I had a cold (not the flu), and that it would clear up in two days with some antibiotic drops in the outer ear. Sent me home quickly. Thankfully, the pain subsided (it shouldn't have at this point... I owe this to Divine Intervention) and I went home. My ear was still completely plugged two days later, so I called an Ear/Nose/Throat doctor and was able to get in that day after calling a couple different ones. ALWAYS go to a specialist if you have issues. That's my new mantra. They tested my hearing. The doctor told me I had lost 15% in my left ear, the clogged one. He also looked in there and said the infection was in the MIDDLE ear. He got me scheduled for surgery the next morning! Apparently, the infection was bad enough that it caused hearing loss and would not drain.

H:ospital
5. I checked in at 7:30am the next morning to the outpatient center and took a test......

I am NOT pregnant!!!!

Then, the anesthesiologist walked in to introduce himself. I am pretty sure he was 17 years old. My mom and I both looked at him like... you're going to do WHAT? Have you even graduated high school? He was perfect though. I didn't feel anything and was peacefully knocked out until recovery.

My mom got me stickers with Cinderella and Winnie the Pooh on them. See, this surgery is usually done on infants and children. Even the pamphlet they gave me the day before said I could bring my favorite toy or blanket. I seriously debated it.

What century is this?! Who loses hearing because of a cold? Helen Keller?

Am I 75 years old? You know what I have to tell people now? "Here, talk into my good ear." YEAH!

Isn't that hysterical?

Hopefully my hearing will completely return when the tube falls out and the hole in my eardrum closes up.

H:alloween
6. I used the instacare mask to my advantage when I wanted to attend my ward costume party and not get anyone else sick. I used my mom's scrubs and went as a nurse! Heather was me! Everyone loved it.

For work, I was all better by Friday the 30th (minus the hearing loss), and dressed up as a nerd for the costume party.
The girls and I went to lunch in costume for my birthday, which was two months ago, but we never celebrated. The immigrant working at the Mexican restaurant offered to take a picture of me topless. Enough said.

Poli was a football player. Enough said.
H:oundstooth
7. I got this dress from Shabby Apple and absolutely love it! Kim took this pic at our company holiday meeting on Monday. Nobody asked me to unbutton it for photos, so I guess we're good now! No more creeps!


Thanks for reading this far. I hope you enjoyed my Hecka Hot Happenings post. Holla!

Bygone Blogging - Exclamation Points and Training Bras

Here are the last few scans from my first journal... my favorite is the full-page description of my cowgirl outfit. Other points to notice: the ambiguous and creepy ending of the first page, my love for baseball even though I had no idea what it was, mnemonic devices for remembering names, sloth-like smiley faces, showing off some skin, and fulfilling my vain desires by mentioning how much my (dad's) hat cost. Enjoy!


6-21-94
This morning I had to go to piano lessons. YUCK! I HATE piano lessons. I'm playing Appregios. I don't know how to spell it. I don't even know if that's the word! In Beyer, my goal is to finish Beyer by the end of summer. I'm playing Sonata KR5 or somthing like that. I'm also playing "A Child's Prayer." that's a primary song. Well, I'm really happy. I'm out of school!!!!! Out of fourth grade!!!!! Horray!!!!! Horray!!!!! I miss my teacher though. her name is Cindy Jaramillo. Do 'ya think that's hard to remember? It's not! Just remember Caramillo, the candy bar. I'm going into fifth grade!!!!! I can't wait!!!!! All though I get the most mean, strict, I don't like her, Mrs. Foster. We played night games today. Or should I say tonight?

6-22-94
I have these one summer Scera tickets. They go to some movies that i've already seen. Well, some of them. They're movie tickets. I go sometimes with my friend, Millie. If I don't, then she's on a trip. The tickets are good only on Wednesdays, at ten o'clock, A.M. We've already seen, Dennis the Menace, Once Apon a Forest, Free Willy, and today we saw the Sandlot. I love that show! And that taller, greatest baseball player on the team, Benny, is so dang CUTE!!!!!!!!!! Base ball is my favorite sport, you know. Even though I'm not that good at it. Oh, by the way, I made it into BYU Children's chior. But, they pushed too hard. So, I quit. And then, a couple days ago, I saw that they were going to all these places in the world. The're going to sing in one of the biggest parades in the world! The're going to perform with the great Hong Kong choir. The're becoming more famous, and the're moving up to better things! But, hey, My mom wouldn't let me quit piano, and I loved Sunshine Generation. I just had too many things to do. We played night games today. All we played was 52 Bonkers. Then, every body had to go in. Except, Spencer and I. Well, it's 11:40. I'm so TIRED!!!!!!!!!! So that's a rap! G'bye!!

6-23-94
Today, I didn't get dressed 'til' 2:30pm. I wore a jean skirt' with ruffles. I wore a white leather belt. I wore tight shorts under my skirt that were pretty long. So, I just rolled them up. I wore a white t-shirt. It was pretty see-through, so I had to wear a bra. I wore a jean vest that I got for Christmas. It is supposed to have flowers sewn on to it. But, unfortunately, most of them fell off. Sorry that this isn't a to interesting subject, but it's all that I could think of. It has a big, round white butten. It has a white trim. I wore a dark grey, big, cute, 200.00 hat. It was a cowboy hat. It has a black band around it. It's really nice. We're going camping tomorrow so I'm not going to be able to write in this. So, I'll miss a day or two. Bye!

P.S. I didn't write again for months and months. Certainly I could have shared more outfits with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So sad we missed out on that.

Bygone Blogging - Timp Cave

If you want to see an actual picture of me at this age, check the last post! I like my attempts at metaphors, drawings, and flirt-dodging in this next entry!


6-20-94

It's been a long time scince I've wroten in my journal. I've always been to tired. If that wasn't the case then I probbably didn't remember to. If that wasn't the case I probbably just didn't feel up to it. Or I probbably didn't want to. But, here I go. I am so tired! I did so many tiring things today! First, my dad, my mom, Evan, Heather, and I went hiking up to timp cave. But, we knew that Heather wouldn't be able to reach it. It is an hour long hike, you know. Second of all, I had sing and dance today. Boy, was it tiring! I had to work, work, WORK!!! When I came home, I was very tired. Third of all, I had to go UP to the park with Heather and Bones. Bones is my families dalmation. -->
(Continuing)
Sorry that that Mt. Tipanogas cave didn't make sense. Here's the rest. All of us were sweating like race horses. But, we made it half-way! Then we came back down. I got an ice cream cone and Heather got a root beer when we were back down. We were going to go camping tonight. But,
NO!!
:(
BOO HOO!

Bones drove me NUTS at the park. There was a kid there who drove me nuts too. All he did was TALK to me!

Bygone Blogging

Welcome to the start of a new series, "Bygone Blogging" - which should be a fun treat for myself, even if nobody else likes it.

Since blogging had not been introduced to the world until I was older, I decided to scan and post some old journal entries from when I was a kid. Journaling on paper is how we used to do it, kids! Crazy! So, for my (and hopefully your) enjoyment, here is the first post of the series:

1-10-94 The Very First Entry of my Very First Journal

I had lot's of fun today. In school, we have a new system. It's in lunch. Instead of using a ticket, all you have to do is to type in your number and say your name. It's really fun. In singing and dancing lessons, we are learning some new songs for our new performance. My mom, Eva Maria Andersen, signed me up for the BYU Children's chior. I'm going to an appointment on Wednesday, January 12, 1994. I'm really excited. This will be a good experience for me. I might even meet some new friends! I have a crush on a boy named Zach. He is so cute. Last night, I was on my balcony singing with my cousin, Lisa. Zach lives across from me and saw me and my cousin. I saw him. I waved at him. He was in his room. He waved back.

(Age 9)


1-11-94

Today, when I went to school, I had a ponytail in my hair. I could not stand it. I took it out. I had piano lessons today. It really went good. I was doing the wrong thing in Beyer. Beyer is the name of one of my piano books. I have Hanon, Beyer, and pieces on just plain paper. My mom and I went shopping today. I also showed her some tricks on some bars when we went to my school playground. Something BAD is happening at school. We have Mr. McCardy for a subsitute in social studies. Every body in the school hates him. All he talks about is trust. Trust, trust, trust, trust is all he can say it seems like. I am still really excited about BYU. I have an appointment tomorrow for an audition.

Quarter of a Century

I. Am. Twenty-five.

25 things I love/hate about being 25:

1. Feeling like I can wear a French Twist and look classy, not strange.
2. Being single.
3. I still get to live with my parents.
4. I live with my parents.
5. I drive a stylish Malibu.
6. At my age, and with a college degree, shouldn't I be driving a Porsche? Actually... at my age... maybe a Cadillac is more appropriate.
7. I am not in school.
8. I have to work.
9. I can rent a car while traveling now.
10. Being past the dating age in some boys' eyes.
11. I still rock out to Miley Cyrus.
12. I don't have an excuse to be silly anymore.
13. I am still silly and giggly and sarcastic.
14. My Prince Charming seems more and more distant.
15. I am aware, from seeing my friends' relationships, that I deserve a Prince Charming - just like in He's Just Not That Into You.
16. I probably won't be able to have as many kids as I've always wanted to - unless the Lord decides to give me twins or something - we'll see. Let's be honest here. The biological clock ticks, my friends!
17. As opposed to those who get married young, I will have tons of already-endowed friends at my wedding.
18. That doesn't really matter because I'm already 25, so I probably will never ever get married. I missed the mark. Time to buy lots of cats. *shudder*
19. I still hate cats.
20. I can't afford a dog.
21. I can afford a blog.
22. I admit that I feel pretty old.
23. I still have my figure. (what?)
24. I feel like a bit of a failure sometimes, which I know is completely stupid. Believe it or not, I do have some self esteem....
    

AND.... LAST BUT NOT LEAST....
25. I GOT TO GO TO THE MT. TIMPANOGOS TEMPLE ON SATURDAY AND COMPLETELY CHANGE MY LIFE. It was wonderful. The more I think about it, the more I feel at ease about it, though I was pretty overwhelmed. I cannot wait to go back soon. I am adjusting to clothing changes. Many of my close friends and family members were there with me. My brother Ryan flew in from Boston... Heather Beck from Vegas... and many others came for my special pseudo-wedding day. I love all of you! Thanks for making it a happy birthday!!
P.S. Very fitting to turning 25 - I have lost 25 pounds in the past 6 weeks. Don't tell anyone.

The Ransom Note

UPDATE:

You were all incorrect. It was a secretary, playing a prank... with a guy coworker.

I believe my first words after I found out were, "Amber, you're fired."

She's not really - just might get the silent treatment for a while or something. We'll see. Muwahahaha!
Today is sad. My precious baby has been swiped.
I set up a poll for who you think would take it from my desk.
Please vote. This will help in my detective work.
Thank you,
Lindsey

Painfully.... awkward???

Hola, my peeps! Here is a quick update on how fun, painful, and awkward the past few weeks have been for me.

Camping Trip to Redfish Lake, Idaho for my dad's bday! (Happy Birthday, Dad!)
It was absolutely fantastic and such a load of fun. We went to Craters of the Moon before making it to our campground. While there, I officially became a spelunker! We crawled inside Boy Scout Cave and had a great time there.... It was also the first injury site. With one flashlight and five people crawling around inside, we were mostly stepping in the dark. I stepped down with my right foot, got caught between two rocks, twisted my body around, and fell. I always fall. This is nothing new. This time, however, my shin landed on the sharp edge of a boulder. I politely screamed in pain and then yelled at my dad for about five minutes to not try to pick me up, and just let me sit there while the pain subsides. Happy Birthday, Dad. The bruise/edema is mostly yellow right now. Mmmm. It's a nice goose egg with glassy tight skin over it.


The next day, we went to the lake! Carli, Heather, Poli and I started out on the paddle boat, then switched to the motorboat 1/2-way through our time. I was extremely brilliant and aware of how sensitive my skin is, so I brought plenty of Neutrogena Helioplex spf 70 sunscreen and sprayed it all over. No burns for me!
That plot was so rudely foiled when, in front of the entire Saturday crowd at the dock, I stepped onto the paddle boat, Carli let go of the rope, I let out a polite scream, and fell into the water. Totally submerged. It was four feet deep. I was in the only bra I had brought on the trip. I was not planning on swimming in that cold water, so why change into my swimsuit? So, knowing that I needed to dry off if I wanted to be comfortable the rest of the trip, and seeing others in their tanktops, I took off my pink shirt and became a slut for two hours in my camisole.
You can see my skanktrash bra straps in this photo, as well as my white back which was covered by a shirt while applying sunscreen. Oops. Also, spellcheck did not even underline "skanktrash" on here. Weird.
I was in pain after this day, but not much. I didn't want it to keep burning, so I bought some aloe vera at the local market and had Heather rub it on. Didn't even hurt when she rubbed it. Awesome. That night, it got to hurting really bad. Carli reached over when we woke up the next morning and vigorously scratched my back to say good morning. I screamed, "CARLI! SUNBURN!" and she remembered and felt terrible. That was probably the least painful of the people-touching-my-back experiences. This was what I woke up to Monday morning:I got out of bed, took off my pajama shirt, and felt sudden dripping all down my back and onto the floor. What the? So I looked in the mirror and BOOM! You can see the ooze coming out the bottoms of the blisters. Aren't those ridiculously HUGE? I have never seen anything like them! So, I couldn't put a shirt back on... I had to literally call into work and tell them I could only work from home that day. So I sat, on my bed, in a towel, alllllllllll day. Sleeping was nonexistent that night. There are NO comfortable positions when you are that burned and still dripping.

Tuesday morning, I woke up to this:


Yeah. They dripped all night and crusted over. I couldn't scrub it off because I couldn't touch my back. Mmmm fun. I put on a shirt and headed to work. I was embarrassed to miss two days of work because of blisters. BAD DECISION. ABORT!
Ben Clore, our great facilities manager, came over to my office with HR to give out awards. They presented me with two awards, which I was sooo grateful for, but then they wanted a picture. We got Kim and Amber to stand up with me, and I joked, "Don't touch my back!" HR asked what was up, and we told them what had happened. They were all making the sucking-in-air-and-cringing face. Then I walked by Ben, and he yelled a great big friendly, "Hey!" and SLAPPED me on the back. I politely screamed and started sobbing. For an hour. Apparently, he was on the phone when I was telling the story, even though he was right there. HR kept asking him what he was thinking. Then, we showed him the picture above, and he almost passed out. He still feels really really really really bad about this. I was laughing so hard and in so much pain, I literally could not stop the tears for a good hour and had to go home again. So embarrassing. So funny. So painful.

The next day, we had a company-wide meeting. Ben avoided me like the plague, but one of our owners, Ethan, walked by me and slapped my back. I only cried for about 60 seconds that time.

Then, I blew off Blanch for two activities this week because all I could do was sit at home and be in pain. Well, Thursday night was a night he wanted to watch a movie. I said I couldn't, but I really should have. Why? Because of what ensued later that night at my house when I could have been GONE.

A knock came at the door. I recognized it as a ward and choir member who has talked to me awkwardly before... and I knew what was happening. "Heather, you got that?" "Sure."
J: Hey, uh, is your sister here?
H: Yeah. Linz!! Door for you!
L: Oh hi, what can I do for you?
J: I haven't been to church in a while because of swine flu, and I am completely out of the loop. Are there any ward activities coming up?
L: (I am not associated with the activities committee, so I know this isn't really why he's here) Oh yeah, there's the ward campout, the temple dedication, etc.
J: Oh cool. So, uhh... I actually came here to ask you out. I don't know if you're free on Saturday...
L: (remembering the Pennsylvania massacre from the day before) Sure.
J: Cool. You aren't planning on getting a boyfriend in the next two days, are you?
L: Um, no...
J: K.
L: What's going on?
J: Oh, it's my 10-yr high school reunion.

And that's where it started. I had already said yes. Contrary to popular belief, I am not his wife. I am not even a girlfriend. I'm his choir director.

THANKFULLY, it is also Spencer's class! I started looking forward to it, despite the fact that I really should have told him I was not interested. I was scared and sad that he came all the way to my house to ask me.

A couple hours before the date, J called me to literally ask if I would cut his hair. I told him no.

He came to get me at 5pm. The party started at about 6. We were the first ones there besides the person putting the party together.

We OF COURSE drove by Blanch. J yelled out the window, "{Blanch!}" and he looked over, to see the girl who blew him off twice that week on a date with someone he knows she would never date. Blanch, luckily, was just as embarrassed, since he was in workout shorts, a helmet, and on a bicycle.

I had a freaking blast.

I connected with a bunch of old friends who I knew through work or Spencer. It was so great. J felt bad that he kept talking to people and leaving me out of it, but I could not have been more grateful. I told him not to worry about me and to go reconnect with old friends.

Friends: Hey J!
J: Hey!
Friends: Oh, is this your wife?
J: No...
Friends: Girlfriend?
J: Well...
Lindsey: Um, FIRST DATE. Hi, I'm Lindsey.

Yes, that conversation actually took place.

Then, we went and saw Channing Tatum on the big screen. Oh what a great night! Oh, I guess the movie was something like G.I. Joe something or other. I only cared about Channing.

J did a few more awkward things that night (taking me to Borders to see what books I like, finding it hard to be with me when I mentioned I don't enjoy fiction, we saw my ex-flame Darth Vader there, and he strained to find something we had in common {no I don't watch the extended LOTR DVDs when I'm bored}) but mostly was just a nice guy who will find a nice girl some day. I am not that girl. But she's out there.

He came early to choir practice the next day, tried to talk to me, and I hid in my laundry room and ate lunch until more people arrived. Sigh.

Boy Fast.

I have been on a boy fast for about four months. Why, you ask?

"Lindsey, are you giving up?"
No.
"Lindsey, are you switching sides?"
No.
"Is this Lindsey?"
Yes.

My reasons are as follows:

• I base too much of my self esteem on boys
• I think too much about them
• They are dumb most of the time
• If you are not happy with yourself single, you won't be happy with yourself married
• I seem to think that "Oh just hung out with my family and watched movies" comes second to everyone else's reports of what they did the night before - "Oh Jonny called me and then Bernie took me out to ice cream and can you believe that Stu brought me chocolates, and then I made out with Mickey."

SOOOOoooo.... logically, if I stop thinking about boys all the time and caring what they think about me or say, then I will be able to focus on being the best Lindsey I can be and preparing for going through the Temple in September! WOOT! What's wrong with hanging out with family? What's wrong with watching movies and having a quiet night in with absolutely no drama?

"Is this Lindsey?"
Yes! Stop asking! I'm still me!

My rules were as follows:

• Do not text or call a boy without a reason.
• Do not think about boys. Get them OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
  
• Do not be aggressive. If they ask you out, go, and have a good time. They can date you if they want. You are not going to be the pursuer.
  
• Find the good in having self-time and not having to decide between a million boys at once.
• Be excited to tell people that you hung out with girls, your sister, your parents, whatever. You have fun with them. So, why not start acting like it?
• Learn to love yourself.
  
• Work on your relationship with God.

OKAY, SO................
That should have done the trick, right? Sure. I have improved so much. I can really see the difference.

BUTT (yes, two t's, because that's what boys can be)
TWO boys are RUINING MY FAST! We shall refer to them as DDS and Blanch. Most of you should know who I mean. DDS sat with me in church again and wrote me a note, asking to write a poem with him to pass the time. He wrote the first line, I wrote the next, etc. This is what we came up with on the spot:
DDS: There once was a gypsy named Ari,
L: She danced like flames, but her legs were hairy.
DDS: Her dance made men hot, while her legs were just not,
L: Quasimodo just screamed, "Sanctuary!"

L: Said the farmer to his wife one day...
DDS: Maybelline, make me a feast! Don't delay!
L: In spite she snapped back, "You must be on crack!"

DDS: Choose your own ending:
And now that poor farmer is gay
Then shoot me up, and I'll be on my way!
So don't by (his spelling error, not mine) your wife on e-bay!

I chose the gay one. With good reason.

It was pretty tough to keep him out of my mind the rest of the day. I know nothing will EVER happen, but he just makes me smile and he is just gorgeous.

BLANCH, on the other hand, is making me mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He still is not leaving me alone, even though he is pretty much dating this 19-year old. So then, he throws a bomb at me.

"Have you seen my sketches of you?"

no, Blanch. NO.
I look 60 years old in the bottom left two. I look 14 in the top one, but he said he was trying to picture us in the 80s, in grade school. I have a Hello Kitty purse. HELLO? KITTY?

Why are you drawing me?!

L: The big ring is perfect! I love big rings!
Blanch: I've noticed.

Go ..... draw a hole and climb in it, Blanch!

Okay, and to add to everything else, we have this lovely clip that HBeck sent me today. This is enough to send me into an ETERNAL boy fast.

I added the Dwight Bobblehead image because blogger only lets you upload videos and pictures, not mp3s. So, I made a movie. Yes, I am my father's daughter. Enjoy.

Look-alike Contest! Get your votes in!

Okay, so I have a few friends who resemble celebrities. Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but I think there are uncanny resemblances here! So, I want your vote on who looks the most like their celebrity counterpart.

The poll is on the right. You have one week. GO!

Pair #1: My friend Ryan and Jerry Seinfeld. I seem to be the only one to see this... and Carli thinks he is the spitting image of Linguine from Ratatouille. Okay, I'll include a picture of that too, just for kicks.

Pair #2: Brittany and Charlize Theron. She has heard this from others... not just me.

Pair #3: Jamen and Michael Vartan. We had this poster already in that apartment, so we seized the moment and had him pose next to it. Oh, isn't it just a nice picture to look at? Sigh...

Pair #4: Amber and Idina Menzel. Idina played the original Elpheba in Wicked, and plays Nancy on Enchanted. I FORCED Amber to dress up as Elpheba for Halloween one year and I was Glinda.

Pair #5: Professor McGonagall and Ostrich. I'm sorry. Some people look like ostriches to me. Maggie Smith is one of them.

Okay, cast your votes in the poll and we'll see who wins! Maybe I'll get the winner a prize!

A Day in the Life

I find that it is ridiculously easy to find humor around me every single day of my life. Each week during choir practice, the members make me tell a story before I even warm them up or start practicing songs. Often the ones walking in late will say, "Oh no! Did I miss story-time?!" It has just become a tradition. It's easy for me, because crazy things happen all around me on a consistent basis. That "Secret" must have something to it because since I love craziness and want it around, the law of attraction provides that it will be there for me.

I also have not blogged about my visit to Las Vegas to visit Heather Beck, but it has such fantastic gems in it that I can include most of it in this post anyway.

The trip was fantastic and fun, filled with teary-eyed laughter and ab workouts from said laughter. Most of that was from the game "Would you rather" using HIGHLY LIKELY possibilities like, "Would you rather date a guy with no nose or a guy with really bad teeth?" or "Would you rather date a guy with fingers growing out of his nose, or people growing out of his butt?"

Good times for sure.

The craziest part of the story I am about to tell is rated R... so I will censor it as needed.

Story #1: Heather Beck and I decided to get pampered with manicures at a local nail salon. HBeck got a pedicure too, though I'm saving mine for when I go with Andrea for her bday present.

Chong, the Korean lady who helped us, answered the phone while in her car and told us she would turn around and reopen the shop so we could come in. What a nice woman! I quickly imagined all these horrible Las Vegas - style what-ifs that could arise. "She'll meet us there? It's closed? This is some after-hours event? Is 'can we get manicures' code for an underground topless bar?"

Phew. Safe. I soaked my feet while HBeck got her manicure, then we switched. Since there was only one of Chong and two of us, we had a lot of time to get to know her really well while waiting for services. Here are some of our favorite tidbits of the conversation:

WARNING: This is not suitable for children. There is some very adult language in this story.

"I come from family with 15 older brothers."
"My mother - she try to kill me and take away my daughter. I no speak to her no more."
"My father die when I was young. I came home and there was strange man in my mother's bedroom. I say, 'Where my father?' and he say, 'I AM your father.' Can you believe? He say that to me? Then he try to tell me to sit down. I say, 'You don't know me!' Then, one day, I got so mad at him, I took wine bottle... you know, wine bottle? I pick it up, I break it, and I stab him with it. HE LOSE AN EYE!"
"I don't know why animals they just love me. The other day, I go outside and there a black boy in my bushes. I said, 'Charlie! What you doin'?' I call him Charlie because I had a goldfish named Charlie. He say, 'cheep cheep!' [it was here I realized she said blackbird, not boy]. I give him water and dry wi. [rice] Now, he come every day! Like when I lived on Tropicana Avenue, my neighbor, he had a farm. One day, I swear I hear knock at my door and doorbell ring. I check it, nobody there! There was a rabbit on my porch. He run straight to my bathroom! [Heather Beck: Oh he must have really had to go.] I give him little piece of lettuce and a carrot and he leaves. Two days later, a CHICKEN came to my door! I swear they talk to each other! Then, I went up to their horse, and he start lifting up his lip [she mimics it] and I realize... HE TALKING TO ME! [Lindsey: Oh yeah, like Mr. Ed. Well you're Dr. Doolittle. Of course he talked to you.] Yeah. Animal, they love me!"
"Some men, when they get waxed, they scream like babies. They say, 'Son of a!' and I say 'Stop right there! Don't you finish that!' Sometimes they say "Mother ..." and I say, "You stop right there! Don't say that word! I kick your ***!"
"[as Heather is sitting in the pedicure chair, commenting on how nice it feels] Yeah, I have one client, she come in, and she sitting there and she scream so loud. Everyone rushed in and said, 'Chong! What you do to her?!' and she say, 'Oh, that felt so good, I had an *******!' Then her friends all come too for pedicures."
I am not changing this one bit from what she said. I really wish you all could have been there to share in our shock and semi-hidden laughter.
"[on a call with her husband; he is on speakerphone... yeah awkward...] I don't like PriceMart. You go Albertsons. 'Chong, I'm already here though, I don't want to leave and go to Albertsons' I want you to go to Albertsons. They have the dressing I like. Get two bottles of orange juice. 'Why not frozen?' The bottles are better. 'Oh yeah, 'cause I'm made of money, Chong.' Yeah I know you made of money.... Okay just get one bottle. 'What? What's wrong with frozen?!?' Bye! [hangs up]"

Ahhh... that was the most inappropriate visit to a salon ever. Sorry for the faint of heart who read this.

The rest of the trip was great. We got to see Blue Man Group (basically... though I have never done drugs [Thank you, D.A.R.E.], I assume that is what it is like)

I also got to meet Whoopi Goldberg!!! She was performing that weekend in Vegas too. What's that? She is made of wax? Hmm... she did seem a little rude.

This next picture is of the manager on duty at Blue Man Group. I asked him if I could get my picture taken with him:
What a good sport.
This Blue Man looked an awful lot like Matt Damon. I like how my necklace matches him.

Story #2: I go walking in the mornings a few times a week. In the wee hours before sunrise, there is a lot of fun to be had. I spotted these two gems yesterday and decided to snap a shot on my phone for all to enjoy.
This is a stationary bicycle in somebody's front lawn, under a tree. Great workout, all the scenery, but you don't have to leave your ... property! Genius! Others may have another term for it.

Story #3: We got another letter from Kerry for Donald Trump. This time, I was more just sad for her, so I won't scan it. I still laughed at the parts where she again mentioned that they "slept together in 1981" and where she said that she applied to become a Supreme Court Justice, but they gave the job to somebody else. Also... she said that she does not want to live in a cheap hotel in L.A. because, "I am white and don't want to live with a black or ugly medicated women."

Story #4: I was chatting with a kid in my ward the other night and he asked me about Prosper, saying that he applied there once but hated the interviewer and thought we were slime-buckets. I did guess the salesperson who he interviewed with.... but since I know coworkers read this blog, I will not mention the name. mua haha. I mentioned how I knew a guy who hated that salesperson as well and is no longer employed with Prosper. He said, "Oh yeah my friend worked for him, that's how I knew about it. My black friend Chris." I said, "Oh! The guy I knew who worked for him was black too! [For those of you not from Utah... that is pretty uncommon] His name was... what was it.... oh Christian!" He said, "Yeah! Chris! Christian! Same guy." "Ohhh.... yeah he was the first guy I ever outright turned down for a date!" "Really? Oh my gosh. Wait a minute... wait a minute... did you live off of State Street in Provo?" "Um yes..." "SHUTUP! HAHA! He used to talk about you ALL THE TIME!" "What?? No way. He barely knew me." "No! He was divorced, you know, and came to Utah strictly to find a wife. And he was set on you." "WHAT?!?!?" "Yeah. He kept talking about how you kept blowing him off!" "ummm are you kidding me?" "Yeah, he moved back to Maryland!" OKAY.... WHAT?!?!!?!?!? FRIENDS, I AM NOT A HEARTBREAKER! I AM LINDSEY! I NEVER DATE! So.... this story was actually really sad and it hurt my heart... but he creeped me out big time... so I more just laugh at this. He seriously barely knew me. We never hung out once, not even in a group. We just saw each other at church stuff. He used funky pick-up lines on me like, "Oooo I'm going to come over here and talk to the cute girls" or "You afraid of heights, girl? 'Cause I'm goin' all the way to the top and I'll take you wit me." He spoke in an almost forced ghetto accent. I literally thought he was joking 100% of the time. Yikes. Bikes!

I think that's all for this week. I think crazy things happen to everyone, but they just forget to tell us the stories. Well these are mine, and I want you to enjoy them as I did. Welcome to Lindsey's World of Adventure!