A Day in the Life

I find that it is ridiculously easy to find humor around me every single day of my life. Each week during choir practice, the members make me tell a story before I even warm them up or start practicing songs. Often the ones walking in late will say, "Oh no! Did I miss story-time?!" It has just become a tradition. It's easy for me, because crazy things happen all around me on a consistent basis. That "Secret" must have something to it because since I love craziness and want it around, the law of attraction provides that it will be there for me.

I also have not blogged about my visit to Las Vegas to visit Heather Beck, but it has such fantastic gems in it that I can include most of it in this post anyway.

The trip was fantastic and fun, filled with teary-eyed laughter and ab workouts from said laughter. Most of that was from the game "Would you rather" using HIGHLY LIKELY possibilities like, "Would you rather date a guy with no nose or a guy with really bad teeth?" or "Would you rather date a guy with fingers growing out of his nose, or people growing out of his butt?"

Good times for sure.

The craziest part of the story I am about to tell is rated R... so I will censor it as needed.

Story #1: Heather Beck and I decided to get pampered with manicures at a local nail salon. HBeck got a pedicure too, though I'm saving mine for when I go with Andrea for her bday present.

Chong, the Korean lady who helped us, answered the phone while in her car and told us she would turn around and reopen the shop so we could come in. What a nice woman! I quickly imagined all these horrible Las Vegas - style what-ifs that could arise. "She'll meet us there? It's closed? This is some after-hours event? Is 'can we get manicures' code for an underground topless bar?"

Phew. Safe. I soaked my feet while HBeck got her manicure, then we switched. Since there was only one of Chong and two of us, we had a lot of time to get to know her really well while waiting for services. Here are some of our favorite tidbits of the conversation:

WARNING: This is not suitable for children. There is some very adult language in this story.

"I come from family with 15 older brothers."
"My mother - she try to kill me and take away my daughter. I no speak to her no more."
"My father die when I was young. I came home and there was strange man in my mother's bedroom. I say, 'Where my father?' and he say, 'I AM your father.' Can you believe? He say that to me? Then he try to tell me to sit down. I say, 'You don't know me!' Then, one day, I got so mad at him, I took wine bottle... you know, wine bottle? I pick it up, I break it, and I stab him with it. HE LOSE AN EYE!"
"I don't know why animals they just love me. The other day, I go outside and there a black boy in my bushes. I said, 'Charlie! What you doin'?' I call him Charlie because I had a goldfish named Charlie. He say, 'cheep cheep!' [it was here I realized she said blackbird, not boy]. I give him water and dry wi. [rice] Now, he come every day! Like when I lived on Tropicana Avenue, my neighbor, he had a farm. One day, I swear I hear knock at my door and doorbell ring. I check it, nobody there! There was a rabbit on my porch. He run straight to my bathroom! [Heather Beck: Oh he must have really had to go.] I give him little piece of lettuce and a carrot and he leaves. Two days later, a CHICKEN came to my door! I swear they talk to each other! Then, I went up to their horse, and he start lifting up his lip [she mimics it] and I realize... HE TALKING TO ME! [Lindsey: Oh yeah, like Mr. Ed. Well you're Dr. Doolittle. Of course he talked to you.] Yeah. Animal, they love me!"
"Some men, when they get waxed, they scream like babies. They say, 'Son of a!' and I say 'Stop right there! Don't you finish that!' Sometimes they say "Mother ..." and I say, "You stop right there! Don't say that word! I kick your ***!"
"[as Heather is sitting in the pedicure chair, commenting on how nice it feels] Yeah, I have one client, she come in, and she sitting there and she scream so loud. Everyone rushed in and said, 'Chong! What you do to her?!' and she say, 'Oh, that felt so good, I had an *******!' Then her friends all come too for pedicures."
I am not changing this one bit from what she said. I really wish you all could have been there to share in our shock and semi-hidden laughter.
"[on a call with her husband; he is on speakerphone... yeah awkward...] I don't like PriceMart. You go Albertsons. 'Chong, I'm already here though, I don't want to leave and go to Albertsons' I want you to go to Albertsons. They have the dressing I like. Get two bottles of orange juice. 'Why not frozen?' The bottles are better. 'Oh yeah, 'cause I'm made of money, Chong.' Yeah I know you made of money.... Okay just get one bottle. 'What? What's wrong with frozen?!?' Bye! [hangs up]"

Ahhh... that was the most inappropriate visit to a salon ever. Sorry for the faint of heart who read this.

The rest of the trip was great. We got to see Blue Man Group (basically... though I have never done drugs [Thank you, D.A.R.E.], I assume that is what it is like)

I also got to meet Whoopi Goldberg!!! She was performing that weekend in Vegas too. What's that? She is made of wax? Hmm... she did seem a little rude.

This next picture is of the manager on duty at Blue Man Group. I asked him if I could get my picture taken with him:
What a good sport.
This Blue Man looked an awful lot like Matt Damon. I like how my necklace matches him.

Story #2: I go walking in the mornings a few times a week. In the wee hours before sunrise, there is a lot of fun to be had. I spotted these two gems yesterday and decided to snap a shot on my phone for all to enjoy.
This is a stationary bicycle in somebody's front lawn, under a tree. Great workout, all the scenery, but you don't have to leave your ... property! Genius! Others may have another term for it.

Story #3: We got another letter from Kerry for Donald Trump. This time, I was more just sad for her, so I won't scan it. I still laughed at the parts where she again mentioned that they "slept together in 1981" and where she said that she applied to become a Supreme Court Justice, but they gave the job to somebody else. Also... she said that she does not want to live in a cheap hotel in L.A. because, "I am white and don't want to live with a black or ugly medicated women."

Story #4: I was chatting with a kid in my ward the other night and he asked me about Prosper, saying that he applied there once but hated the interviewer and thought we were slime-buckets. I did guess the salesperson who he interviewed with.... but since I know coworkers read this blog, I will not mention the name. mua haha. I mentioned how I knew a guy who hated that salesperson as well and is no longer employed with Prosper. He said, "Oh yeah my friend worked for him, that's how I knew about it. My black friend Chris." I said, "Oh! The guy I knew who worked for him was black too! [For those of you not from Utah... that is pretty uncommon] His name was... what was it.... oh Christian!" He said, "Yeah! Chris! Christian! Same guy." "Ohhh.... yeah he was the first guy I ever outright turned down for a date!" "Really? Oh my gosh. Wait a minute... wait a minute... did you live off of State Street in Provo?" "Um yes..." "SHUTUP! HAHA! He used to talk about you ALL THE TIME!" "What?? No way. He barely knew me." "No! He was divorced, you know, and came to Utah strictly to find a wife. And he was set on you." "WHAT?!?!?" "Yeah. He kept talking about how you kept blowing him off!" "ummm are you kidding me?" "Yeah, he moved back to Maryland!" OKAY.... WHAT?!?!!?!?!? FRIENDS, I AM NOT A HEARTBREAKER! I AM LINDSEY! I NEVER DATE! So.... this story was actually really sad and it hurt my heart... but he creeped me out big time... so I more just laugh at this. He seriously barely knew me. We never hung out once, not even in a group. We just saw each other at church stuff. He used funky pick-up lines on me like, "Oooo I'm going to come over here and talk to the cute girls" or "You afraid of heights, girl? 'Cause I'm goin' all the way to the top and I'll take you wit me." He spoke in an almost forced ghetto accent. I literally thought he was joking 100% of the time. Yikes. Bikes!

I think that's all for this week. I think crazy things happen to everyone, but they just forget to tell us the stories. Well these are mine, and I want you to enjoy them as I did. Welcome to Lindsey's World of Adventure!