A Series of Undigestible Events

I have a nice recap of the past several months at the bottom of this post if that's the kind of thing you're into.  If you're just here for the laughs, I've got some of that for you right here.

First of all, thank you for reading my blog through thick and thin, famine and feast.  I can keep a daily journal just fine, but updating my blog seems like an elaborate saga akin to getting a physical.

I should enjoy it more, and I bet I would if I stayed on top of it.  Don't hold me to that.

OK.  ON TO THE POST.

Over the past couple weeks, I have had a series of ingesting events which should have landed me in the hospital every time, but didn't.  I should probably be in textbooks.

Incident #1: Science takes a bad turn.

You know how people like to create impressive fountain shows involving dropping Mentos in Diet Coke?

I was NOT thinking about this when I purchased a pack of fruity Mentos and got Diet Coke from a soda fountain.

I then consumed these items at the same time.  After a few swallows, I remembered the reactions this can cause.  I prepared to die.

Give my regards to my future husband. I'll meet you in the next life!

I pictured my stomach erupting and pieces of me being strewn all over my desk. The true sadness would have been dying AT WORK. At my desk. At my computer.  What a world!

After some googling, it appears my panic was in vain.

You only get the volcanic reaction by dropping mint Mentos into a pressurized bottle of Diet Coke. Once you bite into a Mentos (Mento?) (Love memento?), the surface area is broken and will not produce the same results.

Phew.

Incident #2: OrthodonThai

While my folks were helping me into the new house (yep - I moved! See the update later in this post), Karl and Cherie visited, and we went to Thai Drift for dinner one evening.  Having been treated to the BEST Thai food of my life several weeks prior by my non-boyfriend-frequent-dinner-payer-partner-dater-thing Andrew (who served his mission in Thailand and ordered off the menu), I knew that the dish closest to what he ordered was Beef Waterfall, and I got that.  The spices were great, but a little sticky.

After one particular bite, my tongue ran along the back of my upper teeth and felt the remnant of the spices stuck to the enamel.  "Man, I can't get these rough remnants off my teeth." "Wait a second."  "Waitttttt. Those aren't remnants of spices. Those are remnants of bonding."  I turned to my mom and asked her to check if my permanent retainer was still installed.  She couldn't tell, so I ran to the restroom and checked in the mirror.  Retainer. Gone.  Swallowed. Whole.

Luckily, that retainer only held together two teeth, so it is small... but with sharp edges.

We went to a movie that night, and I started having a bit of a panic attack when I got indigestion. I almost had my mom take me to the hospital, but I remembered that in Spencer's doc training, patients who swallowed stuff were just watched until they passed it.  If complications arose, they'd do emergency surgery at that point. I wasn't sure I was an emergency yet because the pain wasn't constant.  We waited it out, and I was completely fine in the morning.

Phew.

Incident #3: McDON'Talds

A couple days later, my mom and I stopped at McDonalds to grab some quick dinner on our way home from shopping for the new house.  We both got large ice waters and a sandwich.  After finishing my water and playing games with my mom's siblings Chris and Tom, I realized my cup still sounded like it had blocks of ice in it when I shook it.  I knew there was no water left in the cup, so I opened it up to look inside.

GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is the fountain spout.  In my drink. That I completely finished.

I took it back to McDonald's two days later, and they were so happy to find their missing friend.  They offered me a free drink as compensation.  I wasn't pleased.  I called corporate and told them - they have yet to get back to me.

The good news is, I didn't get sick at all.  That I know of.

Phew. (?)


OKAY NOW FOR UPDATES!

I MOVED!  I fell in love with this house the second I saw it. Everything really worked smoothly and we all felt really good about it. I didn't even want to move a week before seeing it. Suddenly everything fell together and we got it.  It's even on Eden Way - and my parents especially were fond of my street sharing a name with one of their granddaughters.  I got a new house, new bed, new bedding, new spacious 4-car garage, new life!  Amber came with me, and we are loving it so far!

I feel so grown up with a headboard and a comforter that matches its pillows.  I know I've finally made it in this world.

I suffered through two - TWO!!!! - bouts of pinkeye this summer.  The first one was probably the worst thing anyone has ever seen.  Double infection, coupled with a sinus infection and head cold for three dang weeks.  I was quarantined and medicated and miserable.  I was so happy when it was over and I could leave my house with mascara on and my head held high.  After the swelling went down, some blood vessels burst and I was a cyborg for a good week or so.  I even traveled to San Jose to see my brother's ballroom concert and hang with the folks over Memorial Day during this time.  I didn't have to pack any makeup. It was terrifying.

Once it was finally gone and my house disinfected, I was on cloud nine.  Then a month later, I woke up with a crusty lid and cried.

This time, it was very mild and only in one eye, and you couldn't tell unless you were the doctor or myself.  I was so grateful.  I also wised up and invested in these puppies:

so I could wear makeup while healing. If you can't tell yet, makeup is very. VERY. important to me. Particularly mascara.  #ScandinaviansUnite! See-through Eyelash Disease (SED) is a very serious matter.

I do not take it lightly.

My brother Ryan came to town!!  We had an absolute blast together all through July.  Heather and the pups even joined us!  My parents came later. It was all wonderful.  We got to play a lot, have sleepovers, and enjoy time together.  Collin loved Tucanos. But only because he could have all the watermelon he could eat (drink).

Aren't they cute?

And one more thing to catch you up on - My parents both got to come to my choir concert on their anniversary, right after returning from Europe. It was so magical to have them there and knowing they were enjoying the music. I didn't see them until after the show, and while I was talking with them, I had a tap on my shoulder.  My dad said, "You have another visitor."  I turned around, expecting a member of my choir to say their goodbyes for the summer like we all were doing, and instead saw my SISTER!  She completely surprised me! I was elated, screamed, and we had a GREAT weekend all together!!  Thank you so much to my parents who made all of this happen. The house, the bed, the visits, Heather's surprise visit, the EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!  I love you guys so much and just am completely overcome with gratitude for you.  You are absolutely amazing.

The end.

The Bathroom Incident

This story is not terribly graphic, but it isn't male-friendly, so if you are one of my three male relatives who reads this blog, you've been warned... but it's still funny and needs to be shared, and I doubt you'll find it offensive because you've all been married.  I promise the ending will make you laugh.

I know the title makes it sound like *I* had a bathroom incident. As if I would share something like that on my blog. This story was luckily one for which I was only a supporting character.

I had the privilege of attending my friend Amanda's wedding reception in January. She and her husband are Polynesian, so it was a huge fancy dinner and party with hundreds of people and a hula program.  I absolutely loved it, and was really glad I got to go.  Polynesians know how to party.

Picture, if you will, yourself in my shoes as I relate the following experience.

My friend Kristin and I went to the restroom, leaving our purses with our table mates.

You can see how nice, classy, fancy, and beautiful this wedding was.  We told the couple sitting there that we would know it was them who stole our wallets if we came back and everything was gone. We're really good at making friends.

Side note - I was really excited that Amanda placed me next to this mystery guy "Alex Haws" - who didn't have a date listed.

He never showed up.

BUT I did find him on facebook! And he is actually a she. So... moving on with my life and this story...

We went to the restroom. As we walked in, I noticed that the girl in the big stall had an open suitcase on the floor and was obviously changing clothes and had come from out of town.

As we went about our business, I overheard the conversation from the girl in the big stall (Girl #1) and the one who walked in to speak with her shortly after we arrived (Girl #2).

Girl #2: "Hey how is everything going in there? You doing okay?"
Girl #1: "Yes, but I can't believe I bled out all over my rental car."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Girl #2: "I know, I'm so sorry. What can we do?"
Girl #1: "Well, could we maybe go to your place? Do you have a garage?"
Girl #2: "Yes, I have a garage."
Girl #1: "I just am so worried about the smell and the mess in the car.  Could I pull into your garage to clean it up so nobody sees?"
Girl #2: "Yes, no problem. We can head over there. I'm so sorry."

I came out of my stall and was just so sympathetic to their situation.  Women gotta help their sisters out!  I said, "Do you need supplies?  I have some in my purse back in the ballroom. I can run and grab it."

Girl #2: "No, we're okay."
Girl #1: "You DO? That would be amazing!"
Me: "No problem!  Stay right here! I'll run and grab my purse!"

I went back to the ballroom, but got caught behind the wedding party line making their grand entrance, so I knew it would be a while before I could get stuff to this poor girl who was just trying to come to this fancy wedding and not be a hot mess, but apparently bled out allllll over her rental car and I'm assuming her clothing.

I finally was able to grab my purse. I hurried back to the restroom.  On my way down the hall, I realized that they probably thought I meant I had CLEANING supplies in my purse - not LADY supplies.  I felt like an idiot.  Sure, I have industrial-strength car upholstery cleaner just chillin in the side pocket of my Michael Kors handbag.  Sure.

I walked in, Kristin realizing the miscommunication and not saying anything because she's nice and had a migraine and was confused...

Me: "Oh my gosh you guys, I'm a moron. I'm so sorry I just realized you probably thought I meant I had cleaning supplies.  I don't.  Just tampons." 
Girl #2: "Yeah I thought it was weird you were offering."
Girl #1, confused: "Huh... yeah... no problem."

I could feel the confusion growing, and felt the weird glances in my direction, which made me question what was going on. This is where the story takes a turn.

Girl #1, who had emerged from the stall looking totally fine and beautiful: "Yeah, I can't believe it. I picked up the beef for the wedding dinner, and it bled out all over my rental car."

The BEEF!

I yelled, "OHHH THE BEEF!" and burst into laughter.  They all realized what had just happened, and we all exchanged names, hugs, tears, and laughs. 

It was one of the better bathroom incidents of my life.

50% ain't bad, right?

I was going through my baby book and found a paper I filled out and sealed in an envelope in 1995 to be opened in my 20s.  It consisted of a list of goals I would like to have accomplished by the time I opened it and read it.  Though some of these can be pretty tender because I still very much want them and they have not been realized, I burst out laughing once I got to the end.  Hey, half of these have come to fruition - that should be worth something!!

1. Get Married and have 2 kids
2. Finished College ✔
3. Get a Music Scholarship
4. Gone to Hawaii or Bahamas ✔
5. Been through the temple ✔
6. Ackomplished Tennis (sic)

Number three is no longer a desire since school is no longer a desire.

Number one is still a huge goal for me. 

Number six can STILL HAPPEN, RIGHT???????!!!!

NO, WORLD, I HAVEN'T "ACCOMPLISHED" TENNIS - BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE SO JUDGMENTAL ABOUT IT.  YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED? I EMCEED THE TALENT PORTION OF MY FAMILY REUNION EIGHT YEARS AGO. SO. THERE.

Some people even laughed.

Does anyone check this anymore?

I cannot believe I haven't blogged in 11 months.  It was a busy and incredible year with a lot of growing and improvement.  I doubt anyone even checks this, but if you do, drop a comment and say hi.  Maybe that'll motivate me to post more.  Ready for yet another big update post?  No? Me neither.  Here we go.

1. Roommate Changes

Becky got MARRIED!  She is stunning and was a beautiful bride.  We had her dress custom-made and it turned out wonderfully. 

My mom and I drove to Colorado for the second reception as well. It was a great road trip and we had a blast. 

The day Becky got married, Amber moved in!

Amber is so kind and clean and organized. She is a great roommate!  We have had many many deep conversations and get along great.  We even got to meet Lil' Sebastian at the Harvest Festival!!

2. Travel!!

I got to go on several awesome vacations in the past year.  I visited Heather Jolley in NJ to help her when they first moved there and Daniel had to take a work trip. Per usual, we laughed until we cried.  I fell in love with Morristown and the area.  So charming. I took the red-eye to NYC and had to snap a pic in front of Madison Square Garden for all my social media paparazzi. They are so annoying always wanting pics of my glorious face.  It's like... let me live my life in peace, people.

The next trip was back to NJ/NYC and Boston for a solid 10 days!  We got to see Ethan get his Eagle Scout and Laura get baptized.  I went on three dates that trip.  Never a dull moment.  I shall outline them for you here:

• The setup by Heather J. numbero uno: I had teased her that previous trip about a guy I saw in her ward who I would obviously need to date and marry. I said he looked like the kind of guy who's really into swords.  I was correct.  But... sweet Daniel decided to take it upon himself to inform said swordsman that Heather wanted to set us up.  We talked over dessert and he showed me his Star Wars tattoos.  And I learned all about Freemasonry.  And we aren't going to be getting married.
• The setup by Heather J. nummer zwei: When Heather told her friends in NJ about this plan to set me up with the sweet swordsman and how we knew it probably wouldn't go well, they begged her to let them set me up with their brother too because they wanted "more normal people" in their family.  This sweet boy called me and set up a whole Memorial Day date where we toured historic sites and walked for hours. He even printed me out a walking tour guidebook at Staples while I waited. It was so sweet and I had a good time!  He did put my straw wrapper in his pants pocket while we were eating breakfast, and I knew we probably weren't going to get married either.  I never heard from him again.
• The friend date in Boston: One of my best guy friends all growing up, Evan, lives in Boston now.  He took me on the most romantic non-date of my life.  We walked through a nature preserve, got caught under a giant tree in the rain, and he made me close my eyes until we got to the top of a Rapunzel tower where he could see my reaction to the view for the first time.  My knees buckled. It was astounding.  I made a joke about making out, but he wasn't into it. I was okay with that.  Friends forever.  We also will not be getting married.

The next trip was to Colorado for Becky's second reception.

The next trip was to San Jose for my bday and General Conference.  I hung out with my mom, my brother, my nephews, and my dad for a couple days and it was such a blast.  Just what I wanted for my birthday. We even go to tour the Winchester Mansion. That place is jacked up.

The next trip was to San Jose again for Thanksgiving!  We shopped, ate, saw movies, and played Jackbox Games.  My parents had a guest over from their ward who is in his 50s.  We all noticed he thought something could happen between me and him. We will NOT be getting married.  Period.

We completed a holiday puzzle, though, and that was great.

The next trip was to Boston again for CHRISTMAS!  It was so magical and wintry and snowy and frigid.  We had an absolute ball.  It was a lot of people in one house for 8 days, but we loved it.  I think Alexa is confused by how many voices yelled at her to turn on the Greatest Showman soundtrack, but she seemed to keep up well.  She was the 14th voice in the house.

 

3. Preparing for Marriage

Guys. I learned how to unclog my kitchen sink.  And I learned how to fold a fitted sheet.  I'm officially ready.  Now to find the man that WILL marry me.

4. CHOIR

In June, I went to a concert that basically changed my life. My friend Kayla is in a choir called Millennial Choirs and Orchestras. She invited me to the free concert at the Tabernacle in SLC. I flipping bawled through the entire thing and knew I needed to join it.  The music was so powerful, the Spirit was so strong, and the talent was unrivaled.  I was way impressed and touched.  I didn't want to audition because I hadn't auditioned for any choirs since college, and I didn't make the choir back then.  I don't want to stand under hot lights and force my voice into sounds I don't naturally sing.  But I couldn't shake the feeling to audition.  A little while later, Kayla sent me an email saying, "Just in case you want to audition, here's the info." I can take a hint. Sometimes.  So I auditioned, got a First Soprano spot, and have been singing my heart out since September.  Oh my gosh. I love it so much. It is so fulfilling.  I don't even mind forcing my voice into unnatural tones.  I absolutely am elated to be with MCO.  My mom and my brother both flew out for my Christmas concert! Several friends bought tickets, too. I am so grateful for all of them. It was seriously the bomb.

5. The Back-and-Forth Guy

I definitely have a thing for this guy. Or maybe I don't. Or maybe I do. It basically changes every day.  I think it does for him as well.  He sometimes acts very interested (he even asked me to dinner), and he sometimes literally gives me the cold shoulder and won't talk to me for weeks.  He's a conundrum.  Some days I just think I'd be the luckiest girl in the world if he were to be interested. Some days I can't stand him.  I guess time will tell.  He's pretty amazing.  Sometimes.

I'll keep you posted.

Changes upon Changes

I have let the ol' blog sit for several months, sorry!!  Here is one of those ridiculous epic update blogposts I never read, since there have been so many updates on my life in the past six months!

1. Oma.

Our dear German grandmother passed away in December.  If you've ever heard stories or talked to her, you know what a true gem Margot is.  We have been grieving her death for a year now, since we truly thought it was going to happen January 2016.  She sure showed us. We're glad she did.  This blog is usually for humor purposes, but I'll get real with you for a bit.

I got to be at her side several hours on her final night of mortality.  I sang her German Christmas carols while she fitfully slept and snored.  She hadn't been awake for a few days, and we knew she was departing soon.  I am so so grateful for that opportunity to be there.  It was tough to walk in the room and see the skinniest old woman I almost didn't recognize.  The previous time I saw her was right before Thanksgiving, and she was eating and happy to see me and Tabitha.  In just a few weeks, she had lost so much weight and life.  I was very emotional to see her in that state.  Aunt Chris came to spend the night so Oma wouldn't be alone, and I gathered my stuff and left after having been there from the moment I got off work.  Oma passed only 4 hours later, around 2:30am.  It was peaceful and she didn't fight it.  Around 5am, I woke up, checked my phone, and saw that it had happened.  I grabbed my car keys and headed up to Bel-Aire.  Oma and Chris were already gone, so I just took a few minutes and soaked up some final memories in her bedroom by myself.  The Spirit was very strong.  I knew the reunions with Opa/Bev, her parents, sister, and brother were very happy moments.  I knew it.  That meant a lot to me, since I witnessed some less-than-awesome moments of Bev and Oma together when Bev lived with us.  I know that they are happy to be reunited and full of love and respect.  I am truly grateful for that time I got to spend in her room feeling the Spirit.

Schlaf in Himmlischer Ruh.


2. Orem.

I moved!!  Late Spring 2016, I was thinking how happy I was in my place in Deer Haven in Provo.  I was so content.  I suddenly had a feeling - "What if God wanted me to move?" I brushed it off, thinking, nahhhhh.... I wouldn't be happy doing that. He knows that.  Then I thought, "What if that thought wasn't my own?" This was incredibly unsettling.  I asked God to help me figure out what was happening.  This was all in my car going 80 on the freeway.  I looked up at a billboard, which said, in block letters, kid you not, "MOVE".

I took that sign as a sign.

I still didn't feel great about it, so I told myself that if God wanted me to move, something would happen that would kind-of force my hand, and I stopped worrying.  However, over the next two or three months, I was able to really get used to the idea that it could be happening soon and that I'd actually be ok with it.  Then, in July, our landlord texted us that he was selling our condo, and we had about 30 days to get out.  Well, FINE.

The stress twitch in my eye started right away, and it hasn't stopped, even though I'm settled and it has been months.  Haha.... ha.

I looked for weeks for a place without any luck.  I needed to bring my piano and the roommate situation wasn't falling into place naturally.  My parents, BLESS THEM FOREVER I LOVE THEM OH MY WORD, called me and said, "Hey, we want a place to stay when we come to town. How about we buy a place and you live in it with a roommate."  Ding ding ding!!!!  Becky (my roommate at Deer Haven) agreed and we got to continue being roommates.  My parents came to town and we did a quick tour of the places I had picked out.  They both felt great about a condo in Pheasant Meadows by the golf course in Orem/Vineyard.  We purchased it and could move in September 15.  This gave us three weeks of being absolutely homeless since our landlord had already sold our place in Deer Haven.

I was so grateful to Andrea - bff all growing up - for letting me stay in her basement in Cedar Hills.  Gorgeous home, gorgeous family, gorgeous area.  I got to have my meals with the cutest kiddos and I loved being there.  Unfortunately, it was probably the toughest month of Andrea's life.  She lost her brother in an ice climbing accident in Pakistan.  I didn't know if I should stay to help around the house and help take care of things so she could be with her family more - or if I should leave so she wouldn't need to have a freaking squatter while she was grieving.  I was privileged to stay and help.  I played the piano at the funeral and it was a really really nice service.  Climb those heavenly peaks, Scott!

Yeah, that photo is pretty old...This was when we were wedding dress shopping for Andrea.

Becky and I got all moved in around the end of September.  Our place is nice and we are adjusting to the quieter atmosphere having only two of us!

With Becky at the Payson Temple Open House

3. New Ward

I joined the mid-singles ward (ages 31-45) in SW Orem.  I truly love it - though it's full of lots of characters.  That has been sooooo entertaining and so exhausting.  That (recent) sex offender who asked me out was the one I was most excited about - until that fun google search.  He never followed through on an actual date after asking me out, and I didn't bring it up again.  I have a good feeling about a few others... 

Oh, relax.  I haven't been asked out by anyone I want to go out with yet.

4. Electrolysis

My last post was about my life-changing electrolysis commencing.  I am still getting that done about every week or so and am loving it!!! Kim, my electrologist, is super fun to talk to, and I actually look forward to our sessions together, even though they hurt. A lot.  I even gave in and asked my doc for a Lidocaine prescription.  Don't judge.

5. Christmas and Thanksgiving and Jackbox Games

I got to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my brother Evan, sister Heather, mom, dad, and nephews Sam and Ben.  Thanksgiving was in San Jose, and Christmas was in Orem at my new condo!  We had everyone staying there (including Heather's dogs) for a couple weeks, and it ROCKED.  I love having family together in one space.  Ok, ok, so there are some drawbacks and a lot of crying, but then we move on and hug and sure love being together.  I was introduced to Jackbox games by my friends in Deer Haven.  They are multi-player, single-room, online games played on your phone/tablet and centralized on your computer, which I hooked up to my brand new awesome large TV.  You compete against each other to be the wittiest, the smartest, and the most artistic.  Love love love these games.  We laugh and laugh for HOURS.  We also played unprecedented amounts of Scum, Hearts, Golf, etc with playing cards.  And Farkle.  Lots of farkle.

This pic encapsulates a lot of what our Christmas looked like. ♥

Some others from the holiday:

You should all get Jackbox Games.  This is from Drawful. Hilarious game.  It was a booger with legs, by the way.  That was my pictionary-like clue.  This is what I drew.  The other word bubbles are what people thought it could be.

Electrolysis. The beginning of the rest of my life.

You guys.

YOU GUYS!

Female facial hair is an issue for some of us.  I could go into a paragraph about how I'm being really vulnerable here and opening up and I would appreciate your support, but really I'm just going to say this instead: We all have hair.  I'm removing mine.  The end.  Also, nobody reads this anymore but my female friends and family.  And you have known my struggles.

When I was a teenager and hormonal facial hair started coming in, my mom and I looked into Laser Hair Removal and Electrolysis.  Electrolysis seemed like the seedy-back-room-practice of a former felon in a tattoo parlor, and scared us to death.  There was like ONE location that did it back then, and it was in those sketchy buildings behind the Sizzler in Orem.  No. Thank. You.  Laser was like the caviar of hair removal and all the rich/beautiful people were getting it done.  So, I set up an appointment in American Fork for a consultation.  I felt like a pampered kitten.  Maybe Princess Di would be there.

They took one look at my face and said, "Sorry, laser targets pigment, and your hair is too light.  Have a nice day."  I begged them to reconsider.  They said we could "try dyeing it" - but they said it still wouldn't work.  I pointed out the dark hairs.  "SEEEEE???!!!!"  and they responded "those are still reddish.  We need DARK hair."  I grabbed the laser machine and went on a rampage through the office.  No, I got in my car feeling very dejected, and drove home.

When I had my first kiss at 21, I knew I really needed to do something other than "trimming" my chin hair.  I started tweezing it.  It hurt at first, but I grew accustomed to it, and now hardly feel a thing when I tweeze.  After 10 years of plucking, the hair has gotten worse and worse and worse, to a point now where I'm spending 45 minutes or so A DAY taking care of it.  If I even let one day go, I look like I belong in the circus.  Guys.  It's bad.

Liz Lemon refers to her "growth" as Tom - as in Tom Selleck.  I appreciate her so much.  Thank you, 30 Rock, for making me feel normal!

SOOOOOO fast forward to 2016.  I started researching more about Electrolysis.  It is actually the ONLY FDA-approved method for PERMANENT hair removal - not even LASER can boast that.  I decided to reconsider the seedy-back-room idea, and look into who's offering this in Utah County.  There are many places offering it - many videos online showing how medically safe and careful the electrologists are, and other comforting information. I found the CUTEST girl named Megan.  She had great reviews.  I called her up!

She is booked through October.

So, she referred me to the lady who did her electrolysis as a teenager and is awesome... You guessed it.  The sketch location behind Sizzler. I called up Kim, and she got me in for a consultation for today.

It took me five minutes of walking around a WIG SHOP to find the location.  I am so glad there are options for cancer patients to find quality wigs locally, but a room full of mannequin heads staring at you when you know a needle is about to be inserted in your face is, for some reason, a bit unsettling.  Again, nothing against this shop.  I think it's wonderful.

The electrolysis place is literally - LITERALLY - in the BACK ROOM of this wig shop.  It is everything I thought it would be as a teenager.  One room with no windows, a chair, and a needle.  "You got this, Linz.  You aren't going to pass out.  You got this."

This is how it felt, only not so spacious:

My electrologist was way nice and we laughed about how scared I was.  She told me how her friend came in to have her pits done, and it took 10 minutes of physical fighting before she was allowed to proceed.  You just don't really know what to expect.  They're inserting a probe (needle) in your hair follicle (pore), then literally applying insane heat and electric current to create lye, kill the hair, and release it from the blood supply.  Then, they pull out the hair with tweezers and move on to the next one.  You need several treatments since your hair goes through phases, and this whole thing will take a year or longer of weekly to monthly treatments of 20-30 minutes each.  BUT IT'LL BE WORTH IT FOR ME!

She had me lie down, she turned on the spotlight, and we got to work.

My thoughts went like this.  Ahem, attention, please:

"YOU'RE OK LINZ YOU'RE OK YOU WON'T PASS OUT YOU'RE OK THIS IS OK YOU'RE OK"
"Oh, she finished one already?  That was nothing!  I could sleep through this!  Hallelujah!"
(Electrologist: Hmm that didn't work.  I'm going to turn it up.)
"What?  Ok.... that's ok.  Be a winner.  Be brave."
"Oh, still nothing.  Totally fine.  This is great."
(Electrologist: OK, still not working.  Turning it up more.)
"Ok, yeah, I can feel that nowwwwwOWWW that's really hot!"
(Electrologist: Ah!  There we go.)
"Oh man, yep, feeling it now.  But it's over in seconds.  We're good."
"Oh ouch that one really..."
"OH SON OF A"
"$%#@@*&;"
"Anyone who swears out loud during this is automatically forgiven.  This is for REAL."
"Good thing my curses are only in my heaadddDDDDDDANGIT THAT HURTS"
"God hears my thoughts... He totally knows what I just thoughttttttttttttttTTTTTTT #$@$@#$"
"ARE WE DONE YET"
"I AM A WARRIOR!"
"#$@#$@#"

Things I said out loud:

"Yeah, I felt the heat on that one."
"You know?  It isn't so bad.  It's just a couple seconds, and then it's over. It's very localized pain.  Very handle-able."
"Yeah, yank those guys out.  I want them GONE.  Do WHATEVER you need to do."
"MMMMMMMMmmmmmmm yepppppppp gahhhhhhhh" when she tried one on my upper lip, warning me it hurts a little more than the chin.

Then, we were done with session one, and I felt so great.  I am totally committed and ready to make this a priority!

I exited that place feeling like a freaking goddess of power and courage and strength.  And hairlessness. I was on the BIGGEST HIGH for a straight hour, at least.  I shall now refer to myself as Warrior White Beyonce.

You can get Lidocaine to numb your skin before treatments, but would Warrior White Beyonce need it?  

I included a before and after for you guys.  I feel like I could conquer the whole world.

Tilda Swinton, Buster Bluth, and Me

"My eye won't stop watering," I said to Elsie as we checked out "Chalk the Block" at the Riverwoods last Tuesday night.

"I can't come into work today.  I have pinkeye!" I said to Tracy on the phone Wednesday morning as I woke up crusted over.

"You're exactly what I'm looking for in a husband and have the perfect build for me.  Marry me," I said thought to myself as Dr. Hoyt examined my eye Wednesday morning.

"I don't think it's pinkeye, but take some antibiotic drops and see the ophthalmologist if it doesn't improve," said Dr. Future Husband after the examination where he was dangerously close to my face/lips.

"I had that once.  I tried an antibiotic drop for several weeks that did nothing, then I went back to my doctor.  He gave me a stronger antibiotic which cost a lot, but it cleared up right away," said Pres. Patterson Sunday morning during my temple recommend interview.

"I'm sorry you guys have to look at me today.  I tried to fly under the radar since this is the first time since I was 13 that I haven't worn makeup to church, but then they asked me to lead the music in Sacrament Meeting AND substitute teach Sunday School," I said to my class hiding below a halo of golden hair I hoped would draw the eye instead.

"I had that once.  I couldn't wear makeup for SIX MONTHS!" said Tacy at church.

"I NEED AN APPOINTMENT ASAP WITH AN OPHTHALMOLOGIST PLEASE!!!!" I kindly stated on the phone with Dr. Nelson's office Monday morning when they opened.

"Does this hurt?" asked Dr. Nelson as he pressed on the inside corner of my eye and my face erupted like Mount St. Freaking Helens this morning.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhh" I said back.

"Are you sure you want to purchase these meds?  They are $90," said the pharmacy tech this afternoon.

"YES"

This is my life.  I wear no makeup, my eye is swollen and red and just drips green or clear tears all day long, and I feel like Buster Bluth when he knows how people see his hook/hand.

Tilda Swinton has some extreme features, but she is who I picture when I see myself in the mirror these days:

I know you're trying to make a statement, TSwin, but we get it.  You think you're hot without makeup.  But for heaven's sake, put on some mascara.  You look SO much better with it.  You do have your own beauty, though, for sure.

I'm just a big fan of mascara.

See exhibit A:

The real me... ok... it's a little old: