Bygone Blogging

Welcome to the start of a new series, "Bygone Blogging" - which should be a fun treat for myself, even if nobody else likes it.

Since blogging had not been introduced to the world until I was older, I decided to scan and post some old journal entries from when I was a kid. Journaling on paper is how we used to do it, kids! Crazy! So, for my (and hopefully your) enjoyment, here is the first post of the series:

1-10-94 The Very First Entry of my Very First Journal

I had lot's of fun today. In school, we have a new system. It's in lunch. Instead of using a ticket, all you have to do is to type in your number and say your name. It's really fun. In singing and dancing lessons, we are learning some new songs for our new performance. My mom, Eva Maria Andersen, signed me up for the BYU Children's chior. I'm going to an appointment on Wednesday, January 12, 1994. I'm really excited. This will be a good experience for me. I might even meet some new friends! I have a crush on a boy named Zach. He is so cute. Last night, I was on my balcony singing with my cousin, Lisa. Zach lives across from me and saw me and my cousin. I saw him. I waved at him. He was in his room. He waved back.

(Age 9)


1-11-94

Today, when I went to school, I had a ponytail in my hair. I could not stand it. I took it out. I had piano lessons today. It really went good. I was doing the wrong thing in Beyer. Beyer is the name of one of my piano books. I have Hanon, Beyer, and pieces on just plain paper. My mom and I went shopping today. I also showed her some tricks on some bars when we went to my school playground. Something BAD is happening at school. We have Mr. McCardy for a subsitute in social studies. Every body in the school hates him. All he talks about is trust. Trust, trust, trust, trust is all he can say it seems like. I am still really excited about BYU. I have an appointment tomorrow for an audition.

Quarter of a Century

I. Am. Twenty-five.

25 things I love/hate about being 25:

1. Feeling like I can wear a French Twist and look classy, not strange.
2. Being single.
3. I still get to live with my parents.
4. I live with my parents.
5. I drive a stylish Malibu.
6. At my age, and with a college degree, shouldn't I be driving a Porsche? Actually... at my age... maybe a Cadillac is more appropriate.
7. I am not in school.
8. I have to work.
9. I can rent a car while traveling now.
10. Being past the dating age in some boys' eyes.
11. I still rock out to Miley Cyrus.
12. I don't have an excuse to be silly anymore.
13. I am still silly and giggly and sarcastic.
14. My Prince Charming seems more and more distant.
15. I am aware, from seeing my friends' relationships, that I deserve a Prince Charming - just like in He's Just Not That Into You.
16. I probably won't be able to have as many kids as I've always wanted to - unless the Lord decides to give me twins or something - we'll see. Let's be honest here. The biological clock ticks, my friends!
17. As opposed to those who get married young, I will have tons of already-endowed friends at my wedding.
18. That doesn't really matter because I'm already 25, so I probably will never ever get married. I missed the mark. Time to buy lots of cats. *shudder*
19. I still hate cats.
20. I can't afford a dog.
21. I can afford a blog.
22. I admit that I feel pretty old.
23. I still have my figure. (what?)
24. I feel like a bit of a failure sometimes, which I know is completely stupid. Believe it or not, I do have some self esteem....
    

AND.... LAST BUT NOT LEAST....
25. I GOT TO GO TO THE MT. TIMPANOGOS TEMPLE ON SATURDAY AND COMPLETELY CHANGE MY LIFE. It was wonderful. The more I think about it, the more I feel at ease about it, though I was pretty overwhelmed. I cannot wait to go back soon. I am adjusting to clothing changes. Many of my close friends and family members were there with me. My brother Ryan flew in from Boston... Heather Beck from Vegas... and many others came for my special pseudo-wedding day. I love all of you! Thanks for making it a happy birthday!!
P.S. Very fitting to turning 25 - I have lost 25 pounds in the past 6 weeks. Don't tell anyone.

The Ransom Note

UPDATE:

You were all incorrect. It was a secretary, playing a prank... with a guy coworker.

I believe my first words after I found out were, "Amber, you're fired."

She's not really - just might get the silent treatment for a while or something. We'll see. Muwahahaha!
Today is sad. My precious baby has been swiped.
I set up a poll for who you think would take it from my desk.
Please vote. This will help in my detective work.
Thank you,
Lindsey

Painfully.... awkward???

Hola, my peeps! Here is a quick update on how fun, painful, and awkward the past few weeks have been for me.

Camping Trip to Redfish Lake, Idaho for my dad's bday! (Happy Birthday, Dad!)
It was absolutely fantastic and such a load of fun. We went to Craters of the Moon before making it to our campground. While there, I officially became a spelunker! We crawled inside Boy Scout Cave and had a great time there.... It was also the first injury site. With one flashlight and five people crawling around inside, we were mostly stepping in the dark. I stepped down with my right foot, got caught between two rocks, twisted my body around, and fell. I always fall. This is nothing new. This time, however, my shin landed on the sharp edge of a boulder. I politely screamed in pain and then yelled at my dad for about five minutes to not try to pick me up, and just let me sit there while the pain subsides. Happy Birthday, Dad. The bruise/edema is mostly yellow right now. Mmmm. It's a nice goose egg with glassy tight skin over it.


The next day, we went to the lake! Carli, Heather, Poli and I started out on the paddle boat, then switched to the motorboat 1/2-way through our time. I was extremely brilliant and aware of how sensitive my skin is, so I brought plenty of Neutrogena Helioplex spf 70 sunscreen and sprayed it all over. No burns for me!
That plot was so rudely foiled when, in front of the entire Saturday crowd at the dock, I stepped onto the paddle boat, Carli let go of the rope, I let out a polite scream, and fell into the water. Totally submerged. It was four feet deep. I was in the only bra I had brought on the trip. I was not planning on swimming in that cold water, so why change into my swimsuit? So, knowing that I needed to dry off if I wanted to be comfortable the rest of the trip, and seeing others in their tanktops, I took off my pink shirt and became a slut for two hours in my camisole.
You can see my skanktrash bra straps in this photo, as well as my white back which was covered by a shirt while applying sunscreen. Oops. Also, spellcheck did not even underline "skanktrash" on here. Weird.
I was in pain after this day, but not much. I didn't want it to keep burning, so I bought some aloe vera at the local market and had Heather rub it on. Didn't even hurt when she rubbed it. Awesome. That night, it got to hurting really bad. Carli reached over when we woke up the next morning and vigorously scratched my back to say good morning. I screamed, "CARLI! SUNBURN!" and she remembered and felt terrible. That was probably the least painful of the people-touching-my-back experiences. This was what I woke up to Monday morning:I got out of bed, took off my pajama shirt, and felt sudden dripping all down my back and onto the floor. What the? So I looked in the mirror and BOOM! You can see the ooze coming out the bottoms of the blisters. Aren't those ridiculously HUGE? I have never seen anything like them! So, I couldn't put a shirt back on... I had to literally call into work and tell them I could only work from home that day. So I sat, on my bed, in a towel, alllllllllll day. Sleeping was nonexistent that night. There are NO comfortable positions when you are that burned and still dripping.

Tuesday morning, I woke up to this:


Yeah. They dripped all night and crusted over. I couldn't scrub it off because I couldn't touch my back. Mmmm fun. I put on a shirt and headed to work. I was embarrassed to miss two days of work because of blisters. BAD DECISION. ABORT!
Ben Clore, our great facilities manager, came over to my office with HR to give out awards. They presented me with two awards, which I was sooo grateful for, but then they wanted a picture. We got Kim and Amber to stand up with me, and I joked, "Don't touch my back!" HR asked what was up, and we told them what had happened. They were all making the sucking-in-air-and-cringing face. Then I walked by Ben, and he yelled a great big friendly, "Hey!" and SLAPPED me on the back. I politely screamed and started sobbing. For an hour. Apparently, he was on the phone when I was telling the story, even though he was right there. HR kept asking him what he was thinking. Then, we showed him the picture above, and he almost passed out. He still feels really really really really bad about this. I was laughing so hard and in so much pain, I literally could not stop the tears for a good hour and had to go home again. So embarrassing. So funny. So painful.

The next day, we had a company-wide meeting. Ben avoided me like the plague, but one of our owners, Ethan, walked by me and slapped my back. I only cried for about 60 seconds that time.

Then, I blew off Blanch for two activities this week because all I could do was sit at home and be in pain. Well, Thursday night was a night he wanted to watch a movie. I said I couldn't, but I really should have. Why? Because of what ensued later that night at my house when I could have been GONE.

A knock came at the door. I recognized it as a ward and choir member who has talked to me awkwardly before... and I knew what was happening. "Heather, you got that?" "Sure."
J: Hey, uh, is your sister here?
H: Yeah. Linz!! Door for you!
L: Oh hi, what can I do for you?
J: I haven't been to church in a while because of swine flu, and I am completely out of the loop. Are there any ward activities coming up?
L: (I am not associated with the activities committee, so I know this isn't really why he's here) Oh yeah, there's the ward campout, the temple dedication, etc.
J: Oh cool. So, uhh... I actually came here to ask you out. I don't know if you're free on Saturday...
L: (remembering the Pennsylvania massacre from the day before) Sure.
J: Cool. You aren't planning on getting a boyfriend in the next two days, are you?
L: Um, no...
J: K.
L: What's going on?
J: Oh, it's my 10-yr high school reunion.

And that's where it started. I had already said yes. Contrary to popular belief, I am not his wife. I am not even a girlfriend. I'm his choir director.

THANKFULLY, it is also Spencer's class! I started looking forward to it, despite the fact that I really should have told him I was not interested. I was scared and sad that he came all the way to my house to ask me.

A couple hours before the date, J called me to literally ask if I would cut his hair. I told him no.

He came to get me at 5pm. The party started at about 6. We were the first ones there besides the person putting the party together.

We OF COURSE drove by Blanch. J yelled out the window, "{Blanch!}" and he looked over, to see the girl who blew him off twice that week on a date with someone he knows she would never date. Blanch, luckily, was just as embarrassed, since he was in workout shorts, a helmet, and on a bicycle.

I had a freaking blast.

I connected with a bunch of old friends who I knew through work or Spencer. It was so great. J felt bad that he kept talking to people and leaving me out of it, but I could not have been more grateful. I told him not to worry about me and to go reconnect with old friends.

Friends: Hey J!
J: Hey!
Friends: Oh, is this your wife?
J: No...
Friends: Girlfriend?
J: Well...
Lindsey: Um, FIRST DATE. Hi, I'm Lindsey.

Yes, that conversation actually took place.

Then, we went and saw Channing Tatum on the big screen. Oh what a great night! Oh, I guess the movie was something like G.I. Joe something or other. I only cared about Channing.

J did a few more awkward things that night (taking me to Borders to see what books I like, finding it hard to be with me when I mentioned I don't enjoy fiction, we saw my ex-flame Darth Vader there, and he strained to find something we had in common {no I don't watch the extended LOTR DVDs when I'm bored}) but mostly was just a nice guy who will find a nice girl some day. I am not that girl. But she's out there.

He came early to choir practice the next day, tried to talk to me, and I hid in my laundry room and ate lunch until more people arrived. Sigh.

Boy Fast.

I have been on a boy fast for about four months. Why, you ask?

"Lindsey, are you giving up?"
No.
"Lindsey, are you switching sides?"
No.
"Is this Lindsey?"
Yes.

My reasons are as follows:

• I base too much of my self esteem on boys
• I think too much about them
• They are dumb most of the time
• If you are not happy with yourself single, you won't be happy with yourself married
• I seem to think that "Oh just hung out with my family and watched movies" comes second to everyone else's reports of what they did the night before - "Oh Jonny called me and then Bernie took me out to ice cream and can you believe that Stu brought me chocolates, and then I made out with Mickey."

SOOOOoooo.... logically, if I stop thinking about boys all the time and caring what they think about me or say, then I will be able to focus on being the best Lindsey I can be and preparing for going through the Temple in September! WOOT! What's wrong with hanging out with family? What's wrong with watching movies and having a quiet night in with absolutely no drama?

"Is this Lindsey?"
Yes! Stop asking! I'm still me!

My rules were as follows:

• Do not text or call a boy without a reason.
• Do not think about boys. Get them OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
  
• Do not be aggressive. If they ask you out, go, and have a good time. They can date you if they want. You are not going to be the pursuer.
  
• Find the good in having self-time and not having to decide between a million boys at once.
• Be excited to tell people that you hung out with girls, your sister, your parents, whatever. You have fun with them. So, why not start acting like it?
• Learn to love yourself.
  
• Work on your relationship with God.

OKAY, SO................
That should have done the trick, right? Sure. I have improved so much. I can really see the difference.

BUTT (yes, two t's, because that's what boys can be)
TWO boys are RUINING MY FAST! We shall refer to them as DDS and Blanch. Most of you should know who I mean. DDS sat with me in church again and wrote me a note, asking to write a poem with him to pass the time. He wrote the first line, I wrote the next, etc. This is what we came up with on the spot:
DDS: There once was a gypsy named Ari,
L: She danced like flames, but her legs were hairy.
DDS: Her dance made men hot, while her legs were just not,
L: Quasimodo just screamed, "Sanctuary!"

L: Said the farmer to his wife one day...
DDS: Maybelline, make me a feast! Don't delay!
L: In spite she snapped back, "You must be on crack!"

DDS: Choose your own ending:
And now that poor farmer is gay
Then shoot me up, and I'll be on my way!
So don't by (his spelling error, not mine) your wife on e-bay!

I chose the gay one. With good reason.

It was pretty tough to keep him out of my mind the rest of the day. I know nothing will EVER happen, but he just makes me smile and he is just gorgeous.

BLANCH, on the other hand, is making me mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He still is not leaving me alone, even though he is pretty much dating this 19-year old. So then, he throws a bomb at me.

"Have you seen my sketches of you?"

no, Blanch. NO.
I look 60 years old in the bottom left two. I look 14 in the top one, but he said he was trying to picture us in the 80s, in grade school. I have a Hello Kitty purse. HELLO? KITTY?

Why are you drawing me?!

L: The big ring is perfect! I love big rings!
Blanch: I've noticed.

Go ..... draw a hole and climb in it, Blanch!

Okay, and to add to everything else, we have this lovely clip that HBeck sent me today. This is enough to send me into an ETERNAL boy fast.

I added the Dwight Bobblehead image because blogger only lets you upload videos and pictures, not mp3s. So, I made a movie. Yes, I am my father's daughter. Enjoy.

Look-alike Contest! Get your votes in!

Okay, so I have a few friends who resemble celebrities. Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but I think there are uncanny resemblances here! So, I want your vote on who looks the most like their celebrity counterpart.

The poll is on the right. You have one week. GO!

Pair #1: My friend Ryan and Jerry Seinfeld. I seem to be the only one to see this... and Carli thinks he is the spitting image of Linguine from Ratatouille. Okay, I'll include a picture of that too, just for kicks.

Pair #2: Brittany and Charlize Theron. She has heard this from others... not just me.

Pair #3: Jamen and Michael Vartan. We had this poster already in that apartment, so we seized the moment and had him pose next to it. Oh, isn't it just a nice picture to look at? Sigh...

Pair #4: Amber and Idina Menzel. Idina played the original Elpheba in Wicked, and plays Nancy on Enchanted. I FORCED Amber to dress up as Elpheba for Halloween one year and I was Glinda.

Pair #5: Professor McGonagall and Ostrich. I'm sorry. Some people look like ostriches to me. Maggie Smith is one of them.

Okay, cast your votes in the poll and we'll see who wins! Maybe I'll get the winner a prize!

A Day in the Life

I find that it is ridiculously easy to find humor around me every single day of my life. Each week during choir practice, the members make me tell a story before I even warm them up or start practicing songs. Often the ones walking in late will say, "Oh no! Did I miss story-time?!" It has just become a tradition. It's easy for me, because crazy things happen all around me on a consistent basis. That "Secret" must have something to it because since I love craziness and want it around, the law of attraction provides that it will be there for me.

I also have not blogged about my visit to Las Vegas to visit Heather Beck, but it has such fantastic gems in it that I can include most of it in this post anyway.

The trip was fantastic and fun, filled with teary-eyed laughter and ab workouts from said laughter. Most of that was from the game "Would you rather" using HIGHLY LIKELY possibilities like, "Would you rather date a guy with no nose or a guy with really bad teeth?" or "Would you rather date a guy with fingers growing out of his nose, or people growing out of his butt?"

Good times for sure.

The craziest part of the story I am about to tell is rated R... so I will censor it as needed.

Story #1: Heather Beck and I decided to get pampered with manicures at a local nail salon. HBeck got a pedicure too, though I'm saving mine for when I go with Andrea for her bday present.

Chong, the Korean lady who helped us, answered the phone while in her car and told us she would turn around and reopen the shop so we could come in. What a nice woman! I quickly imagined all these horrible Las Vegas - style what-ifs that could arise. "She'll meet us there? It's closed? This is some after-hours event? Is 'can we get manicures' code for an underground topless bar?"

Phew. Safe. I soaked my feet while HBeck got her manicure, then we switched. Since there was only one of Chong and two of us, we had a lot of time to get to know her really well while waiting for services. Here are some of our favorite tidbits of the conversation:

WARNING: This is not suitable for children. There is some very adult language in this story.

"I come from family with 15 older brothers."
"My mother - she try to kill me and take away my daughter. I no speak to her no more."
"My father die when I was young. I came home and there was strange man in my mother's bedroom. I say, 'Where my father?' and he say, 'I AM your father.' Can you believe? He say that to me? Then he try to tell me to sit down. I say, 'You don't know me!' Then, one day, I got so mad at him, I took wine bottle... you know, wine bottle? I pick it up, I break it, and I stab him with it. HE LOSE AN EYE!"
"I don't know why animals they just love me. The other day, I go outside and there a black boy in my bushes. I said, 'Charlie! What you doin'?' I call him Charlie because I had a goldfish named Charlie. He say, 'cheep cheep!' [it was here I realized she said blackbird, not boy]. I give him water and dry wi. [rice] Now, he come every day! Like when I lived on Tropicana Avenue, my neighbor, he had a farm. One day, I swear I hear knock at my door and doorbell ring. I check it, nobody there! There was a rabbit on my porch. He run straight to my bathroom! [Heather Beck: Oh he must have really had to go.] I give him little piece of lettuce and a carrot and he leaves. Two days later, a CHICKEN came to my door! I swear they talk to each other! Then, I went up to their horse, and he start lifting up his lip [she mimics it] and I realize... HE TALKING TO ME! [Lindsey: Oh yeah, like Mr. Ed. Well you're Dr. Doolittle. Of course he talked to you.] Yeah. Animal, they love me!"
"Some men, when they get waxed, they scream like babies. They say, 'Son of a!' and I say 'Stop right there! Don't you finish that!' Sometimes they say "Mother ..." and I say, "You stop right there! Don't say that word! I kick your ***!"
"[as Heather is sitting in the pedicure chair, commenting on how nice it feels] Yeah, I have one client, she come in, and she sitting there and she scream so loud. Everyone rushed in and said, 'Chong! What you do to her?!' and she say, 'Oh, that felt so good, I had an *******!' Then her friends all come too for pedicures."
I am not changing this one bit from what she said. I really wish you all could have been there to share in our shock and semi-hidden laughter.
"[on a call with her husband; he is on speakerphone... yeah awkward...] I don't like PriceMart. You go Albertsons. 'Chong, I'm already here though, I don't want to leave and go to Albertsons' I want you to go to Albertsons. They have the dressing I like. Get two bottles of orange juice. 'Why not frozen?' The bottles are better. 'Oh yeah, 'cause I'm made of money, Chong.' Yeah I know you made of money.... Okay just get one bottle. 'What? What's wrong with frozen?!?' Bye! [hangs up]"

Ahhh... that was the most inappropriate visit to a salon ever. Sorry for the faint of heart who read this.

The rest of the trip was great. We got to see Blue Man Group (basically... though I have never done drugs [Thank you, D.A.R.E.], I assume that is what it is like)

I also got to meet Whoopi Goldberg!!! She was performing that weekend in Vegas too. What's that? She is made of wax? Hmm... she did seem a little rude.

This next picture is of the manager on duty at Blue Man Group. I asked him if I could get my picture taken with him:
What a good sport.
This Blue Man looked an awful lot like Matt Damon. I like how my necklace matches him.

Story #2: I go walking in the mornings a few times a week. In the wee hours before sunrise, there is a lot of fun to be had. I spotted these two gems yesterday and decided to snap a shot on my phone for all to enjoy.
This is a stationary bicycle in somebody's front lawn, under a tree. Great workout, all the scenery, but you don't have to leave your ... property! Genius! Others may have another term for it.

Story #3: We got another letter from Kerry for Donald Trump. This time, I was more just sad for her, so I won't scan it. I still laughed at the parts where she again mentioned that they "slept together in 1981" and where she said that she applied to become a Supreme Court Justice, but they gave the job to somebody else. Also... she said that she does not want to live in a cheap hotel in L.A. because, "I am white and don't want to live with a black or ugly medicated women."

Story #4: I was chatting with a kid in my ward the other night and he asked me about Prosper, saying that he applied there once but hated the interviewer and thought we were slime-buckets. I did guess the salesperson who he interviewed with.... but since I know coworkers read this blog, I will not mention the name. mua haha. I mentioned how I knew a guy who hated that salesperson as well and is no longer employed with Prosper. He said, "Oh yeah my friend worked for him, that's how I knew about it. My black friend Chris." I said, "Oh! The guy I knew who worked for him was black too! [For those of you not from Utah... that is pretty uncommon] His name was... what was it.... oh Christian!" He said, "Yeah! Chris! Christian! Same guy." "Ohhh.... yeah he was the first guy I ever outright turned down for a date!" "Really? Oh my gosh. Wait a minute... wait a minute... did you live off of State Street in Provo?" "Um yes..." "SHUTUP! HAHA! He used to talk about you ALL THE TIME!" "What?? No way. He barely knew me." "No! He was divorced, you know, and came to Utah strictly to find a wife. And he was set on you." "WHAT?!?!?" "Yeah. He kept talking about how you kept blowing him off!" "ummm are you kidding me?" "Yeah, he moved back to Maryland!" OKAY.... WHAT?!?!!?!?!? FRIENDS, I AM NOT A HEARTBREAKER! I AM LINDSEY! I NEVER DATE! So.... this story was actually really sad and it hurt my heart... but he creeped me out big time... so I more just laugh at this. He seriously barely knew me. We never hung out once, not even in a group. We just saw each other at church stuff. He used funky pick-up lines on me like, "Oooo I'm going to come over here and talk to the cute girls" or "You afraid of heights, girl? 'Cause I'm goin' all the way to the top and I'll take you wit me." He spoke in an almost forced ghetto accent. I literally thought he was joking 100% of the time. Yikes. Bikes!

I think that's all for this week. I think crazy things happen to everyone, but they just forget to tell us the stories. Well these are mine, and I want you to enjoy them as I did. Welcome to Lindsey's World of Adventure!