A Little Verklempt!

Yay Heather for your 19th Birthday!!! We had a fun lasagna and broccoli casserole night, followed by oatmeal choco chip cake that is divine. We sang Happy Birthday to her and just had a great time. She's a beaut.

Now, for those of you who are 80s/90s SNL fans like I am, you will recognize the following figure:
Bonus points for the first person to comment on here and guess her character name, and who it is based off of.

"Talk amongst yourselves..."

Like my red-nailed friend would do, I dedicate this post to THE Barbra Streisand.

While we were celebrating Heather's birthday at Olive Garden after our fun Park City trip, a pair of older ladies sat down at a table near us. I starting giggling uncontrollably to myself and then my mom and sis asked what was up. Through giggle spurts, I pointed out that one of the ladies looked exactly like the Coffee Talk lady from SNL.

The cogwheels of my brain started turning. How can I get a good picture of this lady without being rude? Well, there is no way really. Whatever I did, my inside motive would be ... poor. So, of course, I asked the waitress to gather the troops and sing to Heather for her birthday. That way, I could record it!!! AND sneak a peek of the bejeweled woman for all of you to enjoy. Sorry it's just at the end and you can barely tell... but I promise.. If she had said, "I just get a little verklempt..." I would not have been able to tell the difference.

Lindsey's How-To Guide, Part 4: How to Sprain Your Foot with the Most Possible Embarrassment

1. Go shopping with your sister and mother in Park City for Heather's birthday. (Happy Birthday Heather! 19 is fun! For Heather Beck's 19th, we went to Park City as well! HEATHER! Twilight Zone)
2. Get 10 FANTASTIC shirts and one fabulous necklace (which cost more than any of the shirts) from the Banana Republic Factory Outlet for $100 total. This will pretty much make your entire year, you'll be so excited.
3. This has nothing to do with anything, but soak in the hot tub at 10:30pm in the mountain air and just love being at Zermatt for the weekend. Thanks, Heather for having a bday.
   
4. Wear your new burnt orange top so you can show it off at FHE. It has a cowl-v-neck thing going on that really rocks and that is absolutely not shown off well enough in this photo that I sent HBeck that morning.
5. Spend an hour making the most fantastic 7-layer dip in the world. (Do not even try to argue with me on this one. There is no competition)
6. Drive to FHE, which will be a Cinco de Mayo party with the entire Singles Ward combined and their friends they bring along.
   
7. Let Ryan carry the dip for you and Lance carry the chips. This is muy importante.
8. Yell "Hey!" to everyone at the park, so they know you have arrived, in your burnt orange top, with two good looking guys.
9. Step in a puddle you assume is water.
10. It's not.
11. or maybe... It' snot.
12. More like sludge. More like Hexxus toxic sludge from Ferngully. Pure evil.
    
13. Slide across the puddle with your left foot.
    
14. Roll over your right foot.
15. Let out a very loud scream and flail your arms wildly in the air.
16. Land face-down on the cement.
17. All you really care about at this point is: A. Who saw that, B. Who heard that, and C. Is my shirt okay?????!!!!!
18. When Jon Fairbanks races over to help you up, check your shirt over and over and over and over, constantly checking the chest area (you never can see down there) and pulling it away from your body.
19. The shirt is FINE!!!! VICTORY!
20. Ouch. You realize now that your right foot is in a lot of pain.
21. Whew. You then realize Ryan was carrying the dip and it was unharmed.
22. Eat with your friends and laugh about what happened while waiting for the pain to die down. It always does when you twist those weak once-broken ankles.
23. Lance will invite you to go to the movies. You accept gladly for a night out on the town.
24. Dan Dan Superman will hug you a few times and you later find out he is the new Elders Quorum President. Sigh. OH GREAT NEWS! He was not there yet when you fell.
    
25. Go to the movie Wolverine with Lance and some other friends. Put your foot up on the seat to help ease the pain.
26. After the movie, you will realize that the pain has not subsided at all, but is constantly getting worse. You barely make it down the stairs after the movie.
27. Go to the doctor the next day when you literally cannot walk at all.
28. Your boss will sarcastically limp for a few days to make fun of the fact that you missed a whole day of work to go to the doctor. Hey, you enjoyed it.
    
29. The doctor will say "I don't think it's broken, but we'll x-ray it just in case". You reply, "Well, that's what they said last time, doc." HA. You showed him. Nope, no you didn't ... no broken bones... You did, however, tear the ligament that sits on the bones that control your toes. No wonder it hurts when you walk, but feels okay when you only step down on the heel.
    
30. All you need is a stupid ankle wrap for a few days and the pain will go away completely in about 3 weeks. Good thing you get to go to church with that on so everyone can be reminded of the incident. Good thing you painted your toenails so you could post the picture.
    

The saga continues....

Here is my pre-post disclaimer. I know it is wrong to laugh at crazy people. I know she cannot help it. I also know that this is one of the best letters EVER... and hey, she doesn't know she's nuts, right? So, I can laugh, right? For all she knows, she could be... the queen of Sweden or something, totally living it up! I apologize to all those of you who might get offended, though.

OKAY! Remember our friend, the wannabe Mrs. Donald Trump, Kerry?

She's back.

Better than ever.Click to enlarge, but here is what we suppose it says:

April 20, 2009
Dear Donald Trump,

I am the Queen of the Civilization, the Queen of the Globe & the Queen of the World. We made love in 1981 in Mariners Village, I think, I am not exactly positive. I am Queen Caroline Anne the Queen of Sweden. My address is 19664 Stacey Beaverton, Oregon 97006. Please show up & bring money

Very truly yours,

Queen Caroline Anne
The Queen of the
Civilization
19664 Stacey
Beaverton, Or 97006
(503) 746-4829

PS Please put money in the mail. I am trying to get a credit card with an $800,000 limit. A credit card with a $500 - $5000 limit is better than nothing. I need checks also. You gave me a house in Malibu and I need the address to take a taxi there after I fly to L.A. I need a key also. I am a 55 year old female. I am beautiful. I have long, light brown, blonde hair I am intelligent also


Oh Kerry, you never cease to amaze. I like the "better than nothing" line that she used in both letters. What a dream come true.

April What?

This is what Brooke and I came out to the other night. We had to scrape our cars and I drove in front of her all the way to her house.

So, this is for all of you who made fun of me for having snow tires on my car in April. I was able to pave the way for Brooke, and you were all following the cool people like me in the snow. In April.

Also, just a reminder, we almost always get snow in May.

Is this a cruel joke? No, I like the snow. I'm sure Jenn and Evan are laughing right now in their San Franciscan paradise.


Morning drive to work the next day. I was cruising in my snow tires. Muahahahahaha



This is loud and I apologize. Turn down your speakers.

*Caution: This video is shaky. I was driving with a camera out my window. Give me a break.

**This is the best I could come up with for a blogpost because work has been kicking my trash lately. Someday I'll blog about the twitch in my eye, the hand tremor, the headaches, and asking my boss if he is deliberately trying to get me to quit. Someday.

Lindsey's How-To Guide, Part 3: How to Change a Flat Tire

1. Get a call from Brooke at 10:27pm on a Saturday night. She wants to hang out. Tell her you are tired but will watch a movie or something, if she wants to come over.
2. Watch Phantom of the Opera and rip it apart (the footsteps in the snow that are too close together for him to have been running, Raoul's hair being better than mine, the jester at the Masquerade, etc)
3. You will be joined by your brother, Spencer. This will be important.
4. Finish the movie at roughly 2am.
5. Say goodnight to Brooke.
6. Get a call from Brooke 10 seconds later. "Lindsey!! My car is making weird noises!! I think I have a flat tire! I'm coming back!"
7. Tell her your brother is a closet mechanic so it should be fine.
8. He will respond with, "Closet mechanic? What, like I'm gay?" (not that there's anything wrong with that...)
9. Run out into the rain, on all the fat, juicy worms. You will find one later as you remove your shoe in your bedroom and touch it on the side by accident.
10. Spencer will show you how to REPAIR, not REPLACE a flat tire!
11. He brings out a 3-ton jack. You joke that it could even lift you. You try this later and it works.
12. Have Brooke try it on you so you can say "Brooke jacked me up Saturday night."
13. Giggle uncontrollably and loudly without waking any neighbors, luckily.
14. Spencer brings the FLAT tire into the garage. You see a large screw, the crime perpetrator.
15. He removes the screw, then shoves a screwdriver into the hole to "make it bigger"
16. Uhhh... this will seem counter-intuitive. What do I know with my estrogen-based logic, anyway?
17. "You need a clean hole!" He puts a black rubber thingey resembling dyed dental cotton in the hole, middle first. Again, counter-intuitive.
18. He turns on his air compressor and you run upstairs to calm your parents down from the 2:30am heart attack they just had from waking up to that LOUD machine in the garage.
19. They are sound asleep and don't even hear you walk in. Whew.
20. He fills up the tire to the correct pressure and Boom! You're done!
21. He puts the tire back on and you drive around the block, "laughing all the way".
22. Brooke goes home. You go to bed at 3am. Remember, you need to wake up at 6am so you can help Tori with her musical number. Have fun.

Hey Baby, What's Your Sign?

HBeck and I tried to come up with fantastically awful* pickup lines today. Try using these on your next attempt at picking up a date from a complete stranger. Let me know the results.

1. Hey, is your daddy a magician? Because he'll have to make my broken heart disappear if you don't agree to go out with me.
2. is your daddy a baker? cause i'm hungry and i like bread so we should go out
3. is your dad a plastic surgeon? because you look a lot better than you did in high school and now i will go out with you
4. Boy, are you allergic to colors? Because white is the absence of color, and if you get with me, we can get married, and I will wear a white wedding dress to help alleviate your allergies.
5. Hey, are you published? Because I can read you like an open book and I know you are into me like i'm into you.
6. is your daddy on welfare? because i like free stuff. so you should buy me dinner.
7. Oh Say, can you see? Because I've got my sights set on you.
8. Do you play soccer? Because you're the goalie of my attention. (That one is deep)
   
9. Do you have money? Wanna go out?
10. Did you just fart? because I've never been so blown away. (resorting to being 13 again)
11. are you a model? cause you're hot
12. do you like ice cream? cause i do and you should buy me some and then we will kiss
13. Do you like oranges? Because your face looks like it has been Sunkist and i want to kiss it too
14. do you work in a hospital? because i'm about to pull the plug on my life if you don't go out with me this friday
15. Do you sell organ insurance? because i'm pretty sure you're stealing my heart.
16. Do you work for Southwest? Because I have tons of emotional baggage and I really wouldn't want to pay an additional fee to go out with you.

*Disclaimer: HBeck and I think of each other as quite the funnies. We understand if you do not feel the same way. That is your opinion.

Lindsey's How-To Guide, Part 2: How To Figure Out How the Seats Go Down in Your Chevy Malibu

1. Try for a couple years doing it on your own. This will be unsuccessful.
2. Receive a call from your friend and fellow 'Bu-owner, Brooke. She is wondering if you know how to fold down the seats in the back. You do not.
3. Tell her if she figures it out, to let you know.
4. Go do baptisms at the Provo Temple on a Wednesday evening.
5. Drive home with wet, non-brushed, non-flattering hair pulled back in some sort of bun.
6. Notice your fuel light is on, but you know from previous experience that you have 30 miles to go on a fuel light before you have to fill up. You are at 26.
7. Return a call to your sister and chat for a minute.
8. Run out of gas.
9. Pull over on University Avenue, with the other cars going 60mph by you.
10. Two cops pass you. Settle your nerves. You won't get a ticket for running out of gas.
11. Call back your sister. Have her come help you. The next part is very important.
12. You will sit for at least 30 minutes, in 45 degree weather, with no coat. Semis will pass and their wind will basically put your car on two wheels for a second. At least they don't hit you like you thought they would when you saw them in your side-view mirror.
13. Remember how your hair is wet? Brr.
14. Take this 30-minute chill time to listen to Les Miserables on your iPod.
15. Eureka! This is a prime time to pull out the owner's manual for your 'Bu!
16. Read about fuel light indicators and how to put the seats down in the back. You have to open the trunk first, then pull a cord, then push down the seat. Could it be any more complicated? "Dance in a circle for seven minutes. Do your best bird call. Invite a stranger to dinner. Pull the cord. Push down the seat." The cord you pull is related to the seat that goes down. Crazy.
17. Your sister will show up with a handy can of fuel. Reluctantly get out of your car onto the busy street, with wind gusts blowing up your skirt.
18. Have your sister stand behind you while you pour the fuel into your car so the University Avenue traffic does not a little show while they're trying to concentrate on the road.
19. Hope and pray that someone you know (especially of the male gender) does not drive by and see your nasty hair, rubbed-off non-waterproof makeup, and Marilyn Monroe moves.
20. Drive to the gas station.