Look-alike Contest! Get your votes in!

Okay, so I have a few friends who resemble celebrities. Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but I think there are uncanny resemblances here! So, I want your vote on who looks the most like their celebrity counterpart.

The poll is on the right. You have one week. GO!

Pair #1: My friend Ryan and Jerry Seinfeld. I seem to be the only one to see this... and Carli thinks he is the spitting image of Linguine from Ratatouille. Okay, I'll include a picture of that too, just for kicks.

Pair #2: Brittany and Charlize Theron. She has heard this from others... not just me.

Pair #3: Jamen and Michael Vartan. We had this poster already in that apartment, so we seized the moment and had him pose next to it. Oh, isn't it just a nice picture to look at? Sigh...

Pair #4: Amber and Idina Menzel. Idina played the original Elpheba in Wicked, and plays Nancy on Enchanted. I FORCED Amber to dress up as Elpheba for Halloween one year and I was Glinda.

Pair #5: Professor McGonagall and Ostrich. I'm sorry. Some people look like ostriches to me. Maggie Smith is one of them.

Okay, cast your votes in the poll and we'll see who wins! Maybe I'll get the winner a prize!

A Day in the Life

I find that it is ridiculously easy to find humor around me every single day of my life. Each week during choir practice, the members make me tell a story before I even warm them up or start practicing songs. Often the ones walking in late will say, "Oh no! Did I miss story-time?!" It has just become a tradition. It's easy for me, because crazy things happen all around me on a consistent basis. That "Secret" must have something to it because since I love craziness and want it around, the law of attraction provides that it will be there for me.

I also have not blogged about my visit to Las Vegas to visit Heather Beck, but it has such fantastic gems in it that I can include most of it in this post anyway.

The trip was fantastic and fun, filled with teary-eyed laughter and ab workouts from said laughter. Most of that was from the game "Would you rather" using HIGHLY LIKELY possibilities like, "Would you rather date a guy with no nose or a guy with really bad teeth?" or "Would you rather date a guy with fingers growing out of his nose, or people growing out of his butt?"

Good times for sure.

The craziest part of the story I am about to tell is rated R... so I will censor it as needed.

Story #1: Heather Beck and I decided to get pampered with manicures at a local nail salon. HBeck got a pedicure too, though I'm saving mine for when I go with Andrea for her bday present.

Chong, the Korean lady who helped us, answered the phone while in her car and told us she would turn around and reopen the shop so we could come in. What a nice woman! I quickly imagined all these horrible Las Vegas - style what-ifs that could arise. "She'll meet us there? It's closed? This is some after-hours event? Is 'can we get manicures' code for an underground topless bar?"

Phew. Safe. I soaked my feet while HBeck got her manicure, then we switched. Since there was only one of Chong and two of us, we had a lot of time to get to know her really well while waiting for services. Here are some of our favorite tidbits of the conversation:

WARNING: This is not suitable for children. There is some very adult language in this story.

"I come from family with 15 older brothers."
"My mother - she try to kill me and take away my daughter. I no speak to her no more."
"My father die when I was young. I came home and there was strange man in my mother's bedroom. I say, 'Where my father?' and he say, 'I AM your father.' Can you believe? He say that to me? Then he try to tell me to sit down. I say, 'You don't know me!' Then, one day, I got so mad at him, I took wine bottle... you know, wine bottle? I pick it up, I break it, and I stab him with it. HE LOSE AN EYE!"
"I don't know why animals they just love me. The other day, I go outside and there a black boy in my bushes. I said, 'Charlie! What you doin'?' I call him Charlie because I had a goldfish named Charlie. He say, 'cheep cheep!' [it was here I realized she said blackbird, not boy]. I give him water and dry wi. [rice] Now, he come every day! Like when I lived on Tropicana Avenue, my neighbor, he had a farm. One day, I swear I hear knock at my door and doorbell ring. I check it, nobody there! There was a rabbit on my porch. He run straight to my bathroom! [Heather Beck: Oh he must have really had to go.] I give him little piece of lettuce and a carrot and he leaves. Two days later, a CHICKEN came to my door! I swear they talk to each other! Then, I went up to their horse, and he start lifting up his lip [she mimics it] and I realize... HE TALKING TO ME! [Lindsey: Oh yeah, like Mr. Ed. Well you're Dr. Doolittle. Of course he talked to you.] Yeah. Animal, they love me!"
"Some men, when they get waxed, they scream like babies. They say, 'Son of a!' and I say 'Stop right there! Don't you finish that!' Sometimes they say "Mother ..." and I say, "You stop right there! Don't say that word! I kick your ***!"
"[as Heather is sitting in the pedicure chair, commenting on how nice it feels] Yeah, I have one client, she come in, and she sitting there and she scream so loud. Everyone rushed in and said, 'Chong! What you do to her?!' and she say, 'Oh, that felt so good, I had an *******!' Then her friends all come too for pedicures."
I am not changing this one bit from what she said. I really wish you all could have been there to share in our shock and semi-hidden laughter.
"[on a call with her husband; he is on speakerphone... yeah awkward...] I don't like PriceMart. You go Albertsons. 'Chong, I'm already here though, I don't want to leave and go to Albertsons' I want you to go to Albertsons. They have the dressing I like. Get two bottles of orange juice. 'Why not frozen?' The bottles are better. 'Oh yeah, 'cause I'm made of money, Chong.' Yeah I know you made of money.... Okay just get one bottle. 'What? What's wrong with frozen?!?' Bye! [hangs up]"

Ahhh... that was the most inappropriate visit to a salon ever. Sorry for the faint of heart who read this.

The rest of the trip was great. We got to see Blue Man Group (basically... though I have never done drugs [Thank you, D.A.R.E.], I assume that is what it is like)

I also got to meet Whoopi Goldberg!!! She was performing that weekend in Vegas too. What's that? She is made of wax? Hmm... she did seem a little rude.

This next picture is of the manager on duty at Blue Man Group. I asked him if I could get my picture taken with him:
What a good sport.
This Blue Man looked an awful lot like Matt Damon. I like how my necklace matches him.

Story #2: I go walking in the mornings a few times a week. In the wee hours before sunrise, there is a lot of fun to be had. I spotted these two gems yesterday and decided to snap a shot on my phone for all to enjoy.
This is a stationary bicycle in somebody's front lawn, under a tree. Great workout, all the scenery, but you don't have to leave your ... property! Genius! Others may have another term for it.

Story #3: We got another letter from Kerry for Donald Trump. This time, I was more just sad for her, so I won't scan it. I still laughed at the parts where she again mentioned that they "slept together in 1981" and where she said that she applied to become a Supreme Court Justice, but they gave the job to somebody else. Also... she said that she does not want to live in a cheap hotel in L.A. because, "I am white and don't want to live with a black or ugly medicated women."

Story #4: I was chatting with a kid in my ward the other night and he asked me about Prosper, saying that he applied there once but hated the interviewer and thought we were slime-buckets. I did guess the salesperson who he interviewed with.... but since I know coworkers read this blog, I will not mention the name. mua haha. I mentioned how I knew a guy who hated that salesperson as well and is no longer employed with Prosper. He said, "Oh yeah my friend worked for him, that's how I knew about it. My black friend Chris." I said, "Oh! The guy I knew who worked for him was black too! [For those of you not from Utah... that is pretty uncommon] His name was... what was it.... oh Christian!" He said, "Yeah! Chris! Christian! Same guy." "Ohhh.... yeah he was the first guy I ever outright turned down for a date!" "Really? Oh my gosh. Wait a minute... wait a minute... did you live off of State Street in Provo?" "Um yes..." "SHUTUP! HAHA! He used to talk about you ALL THE TIME!" "What?? No way. He barely knew me." "No! He was divorced, you know, and came to Utah strictly to find a wife. And he was set on you." "WHAT?!?!?" "Yeah. He kept talking about how you kept blowing him off!" "ummm are you kidding me?" "Yeah, he moved back to Maryland!" OKAY.... WHAT?!?!!?!?!? FRIENDS, I AM NOT A HEARTBREAKER! I AM LINDSEY! I NEVER DATE! So.... this story was actually really sad and it hurt my heart... but he creeped me out big time... so I more just laugh at this. He seriously barely knew me. We never hung out once, not even in a group. We just saw each other at church stuff. He used funky pick-up lines on me like, "Oooo I'm going to come over here and talk to the cute girls" or "You afraid of heights, girl? 'Cause I'm goin' all the way to the top and I'll take you wit me." He spoke in an almost forced ghetto accent. I literally thought he was joking 100% of the time. Yikes. Bikes!

I think that's all for this week. I think crazy things happen to everyone, but they just forget to tell us the stories. Well these are mine, and I want you to enjoy them as I did. Welcome to Lindsey's World of Adventure!

A Little Verklempt!

Yay Heather for your 19th Birthday!!! We had a fun lasagna and broccoli casserole night, followed by oatmeal choco chip cake that is divine. We sang Happy Birthday to her and just had a great time. She's a beaut.

Now, for those of you who are 80s/90s SNL fans like I am, you will recognize the following figure:
Bonus points for the first person to comment on here and guess her character name, and who it is based off of.

"Talk amongst yourselves..."

Like my red-nailed friend would do, I dedicate this post to THE Barbra Streisand.

While we were celebrating Heather's birthday at Olive Garden after our fun Park City trip, a pair of older ladies sat down at a table near us. I starting giggling uncontrollably to myself and then my mom and sis asked what was up. Through giggle spurts, I pointed out that one of the ladies looked exactly like the Coffee Talk lady from SNL.

The cogwheels of my brain started turning. How can I get a good picture of this lady without being rude? Well, there is no way really. Whatever I did, my inside motive would be ... poor. So, of course, I asked the waitress to gather the troops and sing to Heather for her birthday. That way, I could record it!!! AND sneak a peek of the bejeweled woman for all of you to enjoy. Sorry it's just at the end and you can barely tell... but I promise.. If she had said, "I just get a little verklempt..." I would not have been able to tell the difference.

Lindsey's How-To Guide, Part 4: How to Sprain Your Foot with the Most Possible Embarrassment

1. Go shopping with your sister and mother in Park City for Heather's birthday. (Happy Birthday Heather! 19 is fun! For Heather Beck's 19th, we went to Park City as well! HEATHER! Twilight Zone)
2. Get 10 FANTASTIC shirts and one fabulous necklace (which cost more than any of the shirts) from the Banana Republic Factory Outlet for $100 total. This will pretty much make your entire year, you'll be so excited.
3. This has nothing to do with anything, but soak in the hot tub at 10:30pm in the mountain air and just love being at Zermatt for the weekend. Thanks, Heather for having a bday.
   
4. Wear your new burnt orange top so you can show it off at FHE. It has a cowl-v-neck thing going on that really rocks and that is absolutely not shown off well enough in this photo that I sent HBeck that morning.
5. Spend an hour making the most fantastic 7-layer dip in the world. (Do not even try to argue with me on this one. There is no competition)
6. Drive to FHE, which will be a Cinco de Mayo party with the entire Singles Ward combined and their friends they bring along.
   
7. Let Ryan carry the dip for you and Lance carry the chips. This is muy importante.
8. Yell "Hey!" to everyone at the park, so they know you have arrived, in your burnt orange top, with two good looking guys.
9. Step in a puddle you assume is water.
10. It's not.
11. or maybe... It' snot.
12. More like sludge. More like Hexxus toxic sludge from Ferngully. Pure evil.
    
13. Slide across the puddle with your left foot.
    
14. Roll over your right foot.
15. Let out a very loud scream and flail your arms wildly in the air.
16. Land face-down on the cement.
17. All you really care about at this point is: A. Who saw that, B. Who heard that, and C. Is my shirt okay?????!!!!!
18. When Jon Fairbanks races over to help you up, check your shirt over and over and over and over, constantly checking the chest area (you never can see down there) and pulling it away from your body.
19. The shirt is FINE!!!! VICTORY!
20. Ouch. You realize now that your right foot is in a lot of pain.
21. Whew. You then realize Ryan was carrying the dip and it was unharmed.
22. Eat with your friends and laugh about what happened while waiting for the pain to die down. It always does when you twist those weak once-broken ankles.
23. Lance will invite you to go to the movies. You accept gladly for a night out on the town.
24. Dan Dan Superman will hug you a few times and you later find out he is the new Elders Quorum President. Sigh. OH GREAT NEWS! He was not there yet when you fell.
    
25. Go to the movie Wolverine with Lance and some other friends. Put your foot up on the seat to help ease the pain.
26. After the movie, you will realize that the pain has not subsided at all, but is constantly getting worse. You barely make it down the stairs after the movie.
27. Go to the doctor the next day when you literally cannot walk at all.
28. Your boss will sarcastically limp for a few days to make fun of the fact that you missed a whole day of work to go to the doctor. Hey, you enjoyed it.
    
29. The doctor will say "I don't think it's broken, but we'll x-ray it just in case". You reply, "Well, that's what they said last time, doc." HA. You showed him. Nope, no you didn't ... no broken bones... You did, however, tear the ligament that sits on the bones that control your toes. No wonder it hurts when you walk, but feels okay when you only step down on the heel.
    
30. All you need is a stupid ankle wrap for a few days and the pain will go away completely in about 3 weeks. Good thing you get to go to church with that on so everyone can be reminded of the incident. Good thing you painted your toenails so you could post the picture.
    

The saga continues....

Here is my pre-post disclaimer. I know it is wrong to laugh at crazy people. I know she cannot help it. I also know that this is one of the best letters EVER... and hey, she doesn't know she's nuts, right? So, I can laugh, right? For all she knows, she could be... the queen of Sweden or something, totally living it up! I apologize to all those of you who might get offended, though.

OKAY! Remember our friend, the wannabe Mrs. Donald Trump, Kerry?

She's back.

Better than ever.Click to enlarge, but here is what we suppose it says:

April 20, 2009
Dear Donald Trump,

I am the Queen of the Civilization, the Queen of the Globe & the Queen of the World. We made love in 1981 in Mariners Village, I think, I am not exactly positive. I am Queen Caroline Anne the Queen of Sweden. My address is 19664 Stacey Beaverton, Oregon 97006. Please show up & bring money

Very truly yours,

Queen Caroline Anne
The Queen of the
Civilization
19664 Stacey
Beaverton, Or 97006
(503) 746-4829

PS Please put money in the mail. I am trying to get a credit card with an $800,000 limit. A credit card with a $500 - $5000 limit is better than nothing. I need checks also. You gave me a house in Malibu and I need the address to take a taxi there after I fly to L.A. I need a key also. I am a 55 year old female. I am beautiful. I have long, light brown, blonde hair I am intelligent also


Oh Kerry, you never cease to amaze. I like the "better than nothing" line that she used in both letters. What a dream come true.

April What?

This is what Brooke and I came out to the other night. We had to scrape our cars and I drove in front of her all the way to her house.

So, this is for all of you who made fun of me for having snow tires on my car in April. I was able to pave the way for Brooke, and you were all following the cool people like me in the snow. In April.

Also, just a reminder, we almost always get snow in May.

Is this a cruel joke? No, I like the snow. I'm sure Jenn and Evan are laughing right now in their San Franciscan paradise.


Morning drive to work the next day. I was cruising in my snow tires. Muahahahahaha



This is loud and I apologize. Turn down your speakers.

*Caution: This video is shaky. I was driving with a camera out my window. Give me a break.

**This is the best I could come up with for a blogpost because work has been kicking my trash lately. Someday I'll blog about the twitch in my eye, the hand tremor, the headaches, and asking my boss if he is deliberately trying to get me to quit. Someday.

Lindsey's How-To Guide, Part 3: How to Change a Flat Tire

1. Get a call from Brooke at 10:27pm on a Saturday night. She wants to hang out. Tell her you are tired but will watch a movie or something, if she wants to come over.
2. Watch Phantom of the Opera and rip it apart (the footsteps in the snow that are too close together for him to have been running, Raoul's hair being better than mine, the jester at the Masquerade, etc)
3. You will be joined by your brother, Spencer. This will be important.
4. Finish the movie at roughly 2am.
5. Say goodnight to Brooke.
6. Get a call from Brooke 10 seconds later. "Lindsey!! My car is making weird noises!! I think I have a flat tire! I'm coming back!"
7. Tell her your brother is a closet mechanic so it should be fine.
8. He will respond with, "Closet mechanic? What, like I'm gay?" (not that there's anything wrong with that...)
9. Run out into the rain, on all the fat, juicy worms. You will find one later as you remove your shoe in your bedroom and touch it on the side by accident.
10. Spencer will show you how to REPAIR, not REPLACE a flat tire!
11. He brings out a 3-ton jack. You joke that it could even lift you. You try this later and it works.
12. Have Brooke try it on you so you can say "Brooke jacked me up Saturday night."
13. Giggle uncontrollably and loudly without waking any neighbors, luckily.
14. Spencer brings the FLAT tire into the garage. You see a large screw, the crime perpetrator.
15. He removes the screw, then shoves a screwdriver into the hole to "make it bigger"
16. Uhhh... this will seem counter-intuitive. What do I know with my estrogen-based logic, anyway?
17. "You need a clean hole!" He puts a black rubber thingey resembling dyed dental cotton in the hole, middle first. Again, counter-intuitive.
18. He turns on his air compressor and you run upstairs to calm your parents down from the 2:30am heart attack they just had from waking up to that LOUD machine in the garage.
19. They are sound asleep and don't even hear you walk in. Whew.
20. He fills up the tire to the correct pressure and Boom! You're done!
21. He puts the tire back on and you drive around the block, "laughing all the way".
22. Brooke goes home. You go to bed at 3am. Remember, you need to wake up at 6am so you can help Tori with her musical number. Have fun.